Daddy's Girl

So I just got off the phone with my dad. Now I'm feeling guilty again. Well to begin with, I wasn't exactly having a great day, I woke up today with a HUGE headache and I just couldn't get anything much done. Then my dad calls and asked me how I was. My usual reply, "I'm ok". Then he said, "Don't be so stressed ok? I think you should just go back home for university because we get so worried about you when you're far away. And we miss you loads." But of course to me, it just sounded like: Go to Ateneo or La Salle! Goodbye choir! Dreaming of going overseas? Don't even think about it! If that's the case, why am I even working so hard for the A's?

I got defensive and very uncalmly I said, "NO WAY! I've been here for four long years already, what's the point of going back?? If that's what you really wanted for me, you should have told me that two years ago so I didn't have to go through all these!"

"Well, we didn't miss you very much two years ago."

"That's not the point! There is NO WAY I'm going back home after everything I've been through!"

Of course, immediately after screaming at him, I thought to myself: NO NO NO NO NO...you did it again. You are such a disrespectful little brat!

So my dad didn't say anything about it and just asked how my day was...So I told him about my headache and my studying and all...and he told me to just count the days before I could go back...which is what I usually did. He asked me to think about the places I wanna go to during my break and we'll go where I want to go.

After that conversation, I really felt so bad because after thinking it through again, I realized that he only said what he said because 1: He was worried about me. 2: He misses me. And I realized how selfish I was the whole time. But then, when do you draw the line between selfishness and knowing what you really deserve? I mean, I want a better education...don't I deserve that? But then, staying overseas would mean that I'll be away and they'll have to keep working so I can get the life I want...isn't that being selfish?

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I miss my dad...I know it's not really related to the whole selfish point but it made me think a lot about what we used to do when I was still back home... I miss the times when he'd wake me up every Sunday morning to go get breakfast together. I still remember how we'd go to those little photo taking booths afterwards and just take silly shots. I miss the times when we used to swim together-pool or bathtub- and he'd carry me to the deep end of the pool cause I was so scared. I miss the times he took me shopping...he'd just sit on one corner and point at the pretty little dresses for me to try on. I miss the times we went to New York together and watched countless broadway shows. I miss the times we sang together in the karaoke, the times I'd sit beside him watching tv and pinch his nose...and how he loved to tickle me.

But it's different now...as selfish as it may sound, I guess there are things that I need to do for myself as well. It's not that I don't wanna be with him. I really do and the time will come when I will. Just...not now. This doesn't mean I've changed. This doesn't mean that I love him any less. In fact, I'm missing him more and more.