I've Lost It

Cristina: How do you keep your edge sir? Because I've watched you and you've been doing this a long time and you're clean, you're focused, you are the job, nothing gets to you. And the thing is sir, I was like that, until I got here. Until I actually started doing this job and now everything is---is fuzzy and
Chief: That’s beside the point.
Cristina: No see sir, this is the point. Because I can't tell you, I can't tell you what happened in that room. And before I could have, no guilt, no loyalties, no problem. Before, before I wouldn't have even been in that room. I wouldn't have gotten involved. I would have never frozen in surgery. And I would have told him what I thought he should do. I had an edge, sir. I had an edge and I've lost it, and I need it. I need it back. So, if you could just tell me, how you keep yours and how not to be affected, I know I could be a great surgeon. So if you could just give me the answers, I would really appreciate it.

The truth is, I've become more human. I've learned how to feel...how to let go. But I don't know whether it is actually a good thing. It made things less clear. No more black or white. It's all different shades of grey. I get distracted and sometimes, it feels like I just couldn't get back on track. Silly, huh? But being more human made me learn to care...not just about myself but care about others too. I've learned to laugh...but I've learned to cry too. Others define it as living life to the fullest. But is it? I'm not too sure.