A Sad Story...

It all started when I was 16 years old. While I was playing outside on my farm in California, I met a boy. He was an average kind of boy who teased you and then you chased them and beat them up. After that first meeting in which I beat him up we kept on meeting and beating each other up at the fence.

That only lasted for a little while though. We would meet at the fence all the time and we were always together. I would tell him all my secrets. He was very quiet he would just listen to what I had to say. I found him easy to talk to and I could talk to him about everything. In school we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school.

One day I said to him that a guy I liked hurt me and broke my heart. He just comforted me and said everything would be okay. He gave me words of encouragement and helped me get over him. I was happy and thought of him as a real friend. But I knew that there was something else about him that I liked. I thought of it that night and figured it was just a "friend" kinda thing that I was feeling. All through high school and even through graduation we're always together and of course I thought of it as being friends. But I knew deep inside that I really felt differently.

On graduation night even though we had different dates to the prom I wanted to be with him. That night after everybody went home, I went to his house and wanted to tell him that I wanted to see him. Well, that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with him watching the stars and talking about what I was going to do and what he was going to do. I looked into his eyes and listened to him talk about what his dream was. How he wanted to get married and settle down. He said how he wanted to be rich and successful. All I could do was to tell him my dream and cuddle next to him.

I went home hurting because I didn't tell him how I was feeling. I wanted to tell him so bad that I loved him but I was too scared and frightened. I let my feelings go and told myself that someday I would tell him just how I felt.

All through college I wanted to tell him but he always had someone with him. After graduation he got a job in New York; I was happy for him but at the same time I was sad to see him go. I was sad also because I didn't tell him how I felt. But I couldn't let him know now that he was leaving for his big job. So I just kept it to myself and watched him go on the plane. I cried as I hugged him for what I felt was going to be the last time. I felt hurt that I didn't tell him what I had inside my heart.

One day I got a letter with an invitation to a wedding. It was from him; I was happy and sad at the same time. Now I know that I could never be with him and that we could only be friends.I went to the wedding the next month. It was a big occasion. It was a big church wedding with the reception at a hotel. I met the bride and of course I talked to him too. I fell in love one more time. But I held back so it wouldn't spoil what should be the happiest day in his life. I tried to have fun that night but it was killing me inside watching him being so happy and me trying to be happy covering up my sadness tears inside of me. I left New York feeling that I did the right thing. Before I left on the flight, he came running out of nowhere and said his good-byes and how he was very happy to see me. I came home and just tried to forget about what went on in New York. I had to go on with my life.

As the years went on, we wrote to each other on what was going on and how he had missed talking to me. On one occasion he never wrote back to me at all. I was getting worried as to why he hadn't written anything for a long time after I had already written six letters to him.Well, just when everything seemed hopeless and sad in my life, I got a note that said: "Meet me at the fence where we used to talk about things". I went and saw him there. I was happy to see him, but he was brokenhearted and sad inside. We hugged until we couldn't breathe anymore. Then he told me about the divorce and why he hadn't written for a long time. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore. Finally, we went back to the house and talked and laughed about what I had been doing and to catch up on old times. But in all of this, I couldn't tell him how I felt about him.

In the days that followed, he had fun and forgot about all his problem and his divorce. I fell in love again with him. When it came time for him to leave back to New York, I went to see him off and cried. I hated to see him leave. He promised to see me every time he could get a vacation. I couldn't wait for him to come so I could be with him. We would always have fun when we were together.

One day he didn't show up like he said he would. I figured that he might have been busy. The days turned into months and I just forgot about it. Then I got a call one day from a lawyer in New York. The lawyer said that he had died in a car accident going to the airport, and that it took this long till everything was settled.

It broke my heart. I was shocked about what took place. Now I knew why he didn't come that day. Again, I was brokenhearted. I cried that night, cried tears of sadness and heartache. I asked questions: "Why did this happen to a kind guy like him?"I gathered my things and went to New York for the reading of his will. Of course, things were given to his family and his ex-wife. I finally got to meet her since the last time we met at the wedding. She explained to me how he was and how he always provided. But he was always unhappy. She would always try everything but she couldn't get him happy, as he was that night at their wedding.

When the will was read, the one thing that was given to me was a diary. It was a dairy that of his life. I cried as it was given to me. I didn't know what to think. Why was this given to me? I took it and flew back to California.As I flew on the plane I remembered the good times that we had together. I started reading the diary and what was written. The diary was started with the day we first met. I read on till I started to cry. The diary told of him saying that he had fallen in love with me that day I was broken-hearted. But he was too afraid to tell me what he had felt. That is why he was so quiet and liked to listen to me. It told of how he wanted to tell me so many times, but was too afraid to say anything. It told of when he went to New York and fell in love with another. How the happiest time he had was seeing me and dancing with me at the wedding. He said he imagined it was our wedding. How he was always unhappy till he had no choice but to divorce his wife. How the best time in his life was to read the letters written to him by me.

Finally, the diary ended when it said, "today I will tell her I love her". It was the day he was killed. The day I was going to finally find out what was really in his heart.

Daddy's Girl

So I just got off the phone with my dad. Now I'm feeling guilty again. Well to begin with, I wasn't exactly having a great day, I woke up today with a HUGE headache and I just couldn't get anything much done. Then my dad calls and asked me how I was. My usual reply, "I'm ok". Then he said, "Don't be so stressed ok? I think you should just go back home for university because we get so worried about you when you're far away. And we miss you loads." But of course to me, it just sounded like: Go to Ateneo or La Salle! Goodbye choir! Dreaming of going overseas? Don't even think about it! If that's the case, why am I even working so hard for the A's?

I got defensive and very uncalmly I said, "NO WAY! I've been here for four long years already, what's the point of going back?? If that's what you really wanted for me, you should have told me that two years ago so I didn't have to go through all these!"

"Well, we didn't miss you very much two years ago."

"That's not the point! There is NO WAY I'm going back home after everything I've been through!"

Of course, immediately after screaming at him, I thought to myself: NO NO NO NO NO...you did it again. You are such a disrespectful little brat!

So my dad didn't say anything about it and just asked how my day was...So I told him about my headache and my studying and all...and he told me to just count the days before I could go back...which is what I usually did. He asked me to think about the places I wanna go to during my break and we'll go where I want to go.

After that conversation, I really felt so bad because after thinking it through again, I realized that he only said what he said because 1: He was worried about me. 2: He misses me. And I realized how selfish I was the whole time. But then, when do you draw the line between selfishness and knowing what you really deserve? I mean, I want a better education...don't I deserve that? But then, staying overseas would mean that I'll be away and they'll have to keep working so I can get the life I want...isn't that being selfish?

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I miss my dad...I know it's not really related to the whole selfish point but it made me think a lot about what we used to do when I was still back home... I miss the times when he'd wake me up every Sunday morning to go get breakfast together. I still remember how we'd go to those little photo taking booths afterwards and just take silly shots. I miss the times when we used to swim together-pool or bathtub- and he'd carry me to the deep end of the pool cause I was so scared. I miss the times he took me shopping...he'd just sit on one corner and point at the pretty little dresses for me to try on. I miss the times we went to New York together and watched countless broadway shows. I miss the times we sang together in the karaoke, the times I'd sit beside him watching tv and pinch his nose...and how he loved to tickle me.

But it's different now...as selfish as it may sound, I guess there are things that I need to do for myself as well. It's not that I don't wanna be with him. I really do and the time will come when I will. Just...not now. This doesn't mean I've changed. This doesn't mean that I love him any less. In fact, I'm missing him more and more.

Just a Random Thought

I can't forget the one and only time I lost something. It was in Hong Kong. I fine day, I wanted to go to Daimaru to get those artsy stuff...kind of like squeezing this colored paint into a mold and they'll bake it for you to turn it into some form of glass art. But on the way, I realized that I had lost the money that my parents gave me for it. And ever since then, I've learned my lesson. I made it a point to take care of everything I had--to the point that when I'm taking a nap in the car or in the bus, I'd suddenly wake up feeling my pockets, making sure I had still had my wallet or phone.

But as I grew up, I realized that things change. Sometimes, the more you hold on to things, the more you lose them. Somehow, we just have this innate desire to obtain something that's not actually for us. I don't really know how to explain it but sometimes, at the back of my mind, I know it's not for me...but then, I'd still do everything I can for it...in hopes that maybe, I could derserve it too. Only to find that I'll still lose it eventually. And the more I chase after it...the more determined I am to obtain it, the harder it is to let go. Why can't I just settle for something I have or something that's been there for me all along... and learn to love it? Because when you realize that it's actually what you really needed...it's such an undesirable feeling to find that it's not there anymore.

So how does one let go? It's a question I've asked myself a million times. And yes, I'm still searching for answers.

I want it, and i want it now!

It's the all-new iPod! It's here and I want it now!!! It's slick, it's stylish, it's cool and it plays videos! More incentive to take the bus rather than a cab and I mean it! Who wants to buy my old iPod? Songs included! =p

Oh well, I'll be a good kid and buy it at the end of the year...after all that mugging, I do deserve it right? If not, I wonder if Santa would wanna give it to me this Christmas! All you people, keep me away from the Apple store or else...I might starve myself 'til the end of the year!

Anyway, I'm kinda sick right now...been tasting blood all morning, something's wrong with my throat. Back to studying!

And So It Goes

So...it's finally over. Early mornings, running to the bus stop, running to the backstage for morning ensemble, trying to get rid of my croaky morning voice, seeing classmates snooze through assembly, dragging our butts to F2.11, counting minutes 'til the end of the period, trying to find a bird poopless table during recesses, rushing through tutorials during breaks...the list goes on. Seemed like such a drab but in reality, I'm starting to miss it.

What is it with goodbyes that make them so hard to do? It's not like we won't see each other anymore...but maybe, it's the change. Think about this, staying exactly where you are for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It feels better somehow, doesn't it? And even if you're suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Specially in an environment like AC, who would want to go the untraveled road?

But sadly, goodbyes are inevitable. And when the time comes for it, I often wonder, was it worth it? Did I make a difference in the lives of others just as they had in mine? And for that, I'd like to thank a bunch of crazy people, who've made my life in AC, a really fantastic one.

To SB1 2005: Waimay, Pei Xian, Daphne, Siran, Neha, Clara, Rachael, Lance, Leonard, Lionel, Jia Ming, Daniel, Zhiheng, Leow, Ben, Tawseef, Wei Jun, U-Jin, Eugene, Zou Li, Zhen Keng, and Eric. Thanks all for the great times we've had. Love you guys!

To the CHOIR PEOPLE: Honestly, I can't really say much...choir has been such a big part of my life that I can't even begin to describe how much I'm going to miss every single bit of it! Yeah I know we talked about this during our farewell but...some things I just can't get over!

To the TEACHERS: Thanks so much for being soooo patient with our class and tolerating my talkativeness! We owe it all to you!

Well, since school is over...I kind of did something to my uniform...well, not exactly me but..heh. Here it is!


Oops...Don't worry, I've got 5 more somewhere in my closet!

After 20 Years of Being Human...

Got this off my friend's site...Thought it was kinda interesting. Some of them made me think about what it was like to be a kid again. Check it out. :)

smoked a cigar(ette) - NOPE
madeout with a member of the same sex - Eww. Of Course Not.
crashed a friend's car - Thanks God, No!
stolen a car - I'm a good girl.
been in love - Sadly, yes.
shoplifted - I pay!
been fired - Haven't really started working.
been in a fist fight - When I was young, yes.
snuck out of my parent's house - Nope!
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - Nope if crushes don't count!
been arrested - Nope.
made out with a stranger - Yikes. No.
gone on a blind date - No.
lied to a friend - Guess everyone has done this.
had a crush on a teacher - Hmm...no.
been to Europe - Yeah! It's a great place!
skipped school - What if I was "sick"? Like really.
slept with a co-worker - I don't work!
seen someone die - Nope. I can't even bear the thought.
had a crush on one of your LJ friends - No. This is so high school-ish!
been to Canada - Yep! And I love it there!
been to Mexico - Nope!
been on a plane - Yep...more than my toes can count. That's the price for being a foreign student.
thrown up in a bar - Nope! I don't like bars.
purposely set a part of myself on fire - Haha I'm not crazy!
eaten Sushi - One of my favorite foods.
been snowboarding - Nope! Skiing? Yep.
met someone in person from LJ - Nope. Haha I've gone past that EB trend.
been moshing at a concert - No way! I don't like the thought of exchanging sweat droplets. Yuck!
been in an abusive relationship - No!
taken painkillers - Yes, especially now that my head hurts all the time.
love someone or miss someone right now - Of course...I'm far away from a lot of people...sad.
laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by - Yes...
made a snow angel - Nope!
had a tea party - Yes, with my Barbie dolls when I was 7.
flown a kite - Yeah but I think it landed on a puddle so no more kite flying.
built a sand castle - No...I don't like the sun that the sand comes with.
gone puddle jumping - Nope!
played dress up - Yes! As early as 3 years old...I was such a vain kid.
jumped into a pile of leaves - Not a pile...I like the sound of crunchy leaves when you step on them.
gone sledding - Nope!
cheated while playing a game - Yes! Haha...you've gotta play dirty when you're playing with my brothers!
been lonely - Who hasn't?
fallen asleep at work/school - Oh man...I'm guilty of this.
used a fake id - Nope! I'm old enough. Hah!
watched the sunset - Not really...But I'd love to...one day.
felt an earthquake - Yes! And I thought it was my brother making fun of me...
touched a snake - Yup...I even had a picture with it!
slept beneath the stars - Not exactly...
been tickled - A million times.
been robbed - Nope!
been misunderstood - Yeah...
petted a reindeer/goat - Nope, not yet. And I don't intend to.
won a contest - Yes.
run a red light - Nope.
been suspended from school - No.
been in a car accident - Yes.
had braces - Oh yes. Back in the days when metalmouths were cool.
felt like an outcast - Hey yaaaa, hey ya. Well, Yah.
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - No, I've never been that depressed.
had deja vu - Yes and it's kinda creepy.
danced in the moonlight - Nooo.
hated the way you look - Yes! A lot of times...
witnessed a crime - Uhh yeah. And it still haunts me...10 years after.
pole danced - No...
questioned your heart - Yup.
been obsessed with post-it notes - No. Haha! What a weird obsession.
squished barefoot through the mud - Nope. Yikes!
been lost - I'd think so. I'm bad with directions!
been to the opposite side of the country - Philippines? Nope. Singapore, well, how far can it be?swam in the ocean - Nope.
felt like dying - Oh yes.
cried yourself to sleep - Hmm...I think the answer's pretty obvious.
played cops and robbers - Yes! Who hasn't?
recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers - No. I've got A-levels!
sung karaoke - Yes...more of forced to.
paid for a meal with only coins - Yeah!
done something you told yourself you wouldn't - Yes...regretted.
made prank phone calls - Oh yes. Heh! I'll never forget them.
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose - Yes, thanks to my brother who made me laugh while I was drinking Coke. Yes, it was painful.
caught a snowflake on your tongue - Nope!
danced in the rain - No.
written a letter to Santa Claus - Yes, not knowing Santa Claus was my sister.
been kissed under a mistletoe - Nope!
watched the sun rise with someone you care about - Hmm...don't think so.
blown bubbles - Yep!
made a bonfire on the beach - No but I'd love to.
crashed a party - Nope.
gone rollerskating - Rollerblading, yes. My mom would freak out cause I'd do it inside the house.
had a wish come true - Yes.
humped a monkey - What?!?
worn pearls - Yep! That's what the name is for.
jumped off a bridge - Are you crazy?
screamed vagina in class - No.
ate dog/cat food - Haha I've never been THAT hungry. No.
told a complete stranger you loved them - No.
kissed a mirror - Hell no.
sang in the shower - All the time.
have a little black dress - Nope!
had a dream that you married someone - Nope!
glued your hand to something - How about glued my finger to my other finger?
got your tongue stuck to a flag pole - I'm still sane.
kissed a fish - I'm not that desperate.
worn the opposite sexes clothes - Yes! Back when I was tomboy-ish. Oh, the awkward stage of one's life.
been a cheerleader - Not exactly...but I've cheerdanced!
sat on a roof top - Yes.
screamed at the top of your lungs - Yup!
done a one-handed cartwheel - No...I can't even do it with both hands!
talked on the phone for more than 6 hours - Yes...
stayed up all night - Yup!
didnt take a shower for a week - Yuck. No way.
pick and ate an apple right off the tree - Nope.
climbed a tree - No.
had a tree house - No, but I wanted one so badly!
are scared to watch scary movies - Uhh yeah. You won't believe how much I scream.
believe in ghosts - Not really...
have more then 30 pairs of shoes - Currently? No.
worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say - Hmm...how ugly can uniforms get?
gone streaking - No!
played ding-dong-ditch - What's that?
played chicken - What's that?
been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on - No.
been told you're hot by a complete stranger - Hmm...
broken a bone - Nope!
been easily amused - Yes..haha!
caught a fish then ate it - Nope, haven't even tried fishing.
made porn - NO.
caught a butterfly - No, I'm scared of them.
laughed so hard you cried - Yes!!! The feeling is great! Happy and nice abs.
cried so hard you laughed - I usually cry when I'm sad.
mooned/flashed someone - No.
had someone moon/flash you - No.
cheated on a test - Do leakages count?
have a Britney Spears CD - Yeah, I think the oldest one! Hit me baby one more time!

Thanks Layds! :)

My Life So Far...

Just taking a bit of a break from all the studying. Seriously, I feel like a robot. Working day 'til night...not really caring about other things that are happening...being such a nerd. I've dettached my heart from myself and ignored the life I had. Anyway I was supposed to take quizzes about myself to find out which course is better for me to take in university and I stumbled upon this quiz.

Which O.C. teen character stereotype are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


The Princess - Marissa

Which Member of the Alias SpyGang are you?
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You are Sydney Bristow


Hmmm...Interesting.

At Long Last

FINALLY! A blog that can be viewed by the public. Well, guess just wanna welcome everyone into the drama of my life...my idiosyncrasies...my musings and all else. My brain is really too tired to say anything else right now...all that coding was kinda overwhelming (but satisfying). So anyway, I will try to update as much as I can...but as of now, signing off!