Christmas...a season of love, isn't it? But why is it that when I look around, I see images of hatred, deception and sadness. Behind that smile is actually a heart that cries. Yes...the celebration continues. But inside, there's just this nagging feeling of discontentment and melancholy. Guess it is the time of the year where we can actually reflect on what has happened in the year that's just about to end. No work, no school...just time with your friends, family and of course, time with yourself.
People have come to me and shared their recent experiences, those which I am not exactly unfamiliar with. It kind of transported me back to the time when I myself was experiencing it. Surprisingly, the pain is still familiar. It wasn't like before when I used to just forget about the pain to the point that it seemed like I didn't even have to go through it at all. I guess this time around, it scarred me too deeply I can't seem to forget it.
Actually, it's kind of surreal still. Like it happened in a different universe with people who I don't even know anymore. Kind of like I thought I knew who they were but actually, they were just mere ideas of what the person is like. They didn't actually exist and thus, deeming the friendship a lie and the person a figment of my imagination. Funny how we can conjure things up to hurt ourselves in return.
Yes, fooling your own self sounds pathetic. But I guess there is still something sadder than that...fooling yourself and not realizing you're doing it.
12.26.2005
12.25.2005
Indeed
The brooding ghosts of Australian night have gone from the bush and town;
My spirit revives in the morning breeze,
though it died when the sun went down;
The river is high and the stream is strong,
and the grass is green and tall,
And I fain would think that this world of ours is a good world after all.
The light of passion in dreamy eyes, and a page of truth well read,
The glorious thrill in a heart grown cold of the spirit I thought was dead,
A song that goes to a comrade's heart, and a tear of pride let fall --
And my soul is strong! and the world to me is a grand world after all!
Let our enemies go by their old dull tracks,
and theirs be the fault or shame
(The man is bitter against the world who has only himself to blame);
Let the darkest side of the past be dark, and only the good recall;
For I must believe that the world, my dear, is a kind world after all.
It well may be that I saw too plain, and it may be I was blind;
But I'll keep my face to the dawning light,
though the devil may stand behind!
Though the devil may stand behind my back, I'll not see his shadow fall,
But read the signs in the morning stars of a good world after all.
Rest, for your eyes are weary, girl -- you have driven the worst away --
The ghost of the man that I might have been is gone from my heart to-day;
We'll live for life and the best it brings till our twilight shadows fall;
My heart grows brave, and the world, my girl, is a good world after all.
My spirit revives in the morning breeze,
though it died when the sun went down;
The river is high and the stream is strong,
and the grass is green and tall,
And I fain would think that this world of ours is a good world after all.
The light of passion in dreamy eyes, and a page of truth well read,
The glorious thrill in a heart grown cold of the spirit I thought was dead,
A song that goes to a comrade's heart, and a tear of pride let fall --
And my soul is strong! and the world to me is a grand world after all!
Let our enemies go by their old dull tracks,
and theirs be the fault or shame
(The man is bitter against the world who has only himself to blame);
Let the darkest side of the past be dark, and only the good recall;
For I must believe that the world, my dear, is a kind world after all.
It well may be that I saw too plain, and it may be I was blind;
But I'll keep my face to the dawning light,
though the devil may stand behind!
Though the devil may stand behind my back, I'll not see his shadow fall,
But read the signs in the morning stars of a good world after all.
Rest, for your eyes are weary, girl -- you have driven the worst away --
The ghost of the man that I might have been is gone from my heart to-day;
We'll live for life and the best it brings till our twilight shadows fall;
My heart grows brave, and the world, my girl, is a good world after all.
12.24.2005
Christmas...So Far
So far, I've attended 6 parties in 8 days. Talk about the calories, man. One thing all parties have: lechon (roasted pig). It's really good but on the 3rd party, I stopped eating it. Each day, there's a different dessert that I'd want to try. I just can't resist sweets! Oh well, what to do. Still more parties to come. I guess what I like about these parties is actually the road trip home. There's this strip of road in Greenhills called Gilmore. When you pass by, all you will see is this:
As in both sides of the street. Just lights. It's just wonderful. :) (Yes, my photo is not very clear but you get the idea right? Sorry I was just taking it from inside the car)
Anyway, every night is a night with my relatives...which equates to a bunch of hustlers. One room, parents playing mahjong. Another room, their kids playing cards. Ok, don't get scared...we're just doing it for fun...no big money involved. Just loads of fun. Wish I could invite more people to come and see what Christmas here is like... :) Hopefully, next time.
TO MY BESTFRIEND: Know that I love you so much.. :) I promise you that there is still a reason to rejoice this season... :) hug!
12.20.2005
What a Day!
I'm about to collapse soon but I really gotta blog today cause I thought that today was quite fun. :)
To start off, I went to this mall in the morning. You see, if I'm sleepy, I become an impulse buyer. So I walked into Adidas and saw this nice white jacket with red stripes. Haha I tried it on and quickly bought it. I mean, it's not that I need a jacket...it's not that I don't have a jacket...but I just had to buy it. I'm starting to think that maybe I am a shoppaholic and I need some rehabilitation. Well come to think of it, I didn't regret getting it so I guess it's not such a bad case of impulse buying.
After that, I went for my second driving lessons. I was taught how to drive in uphills and downhills. I was also taught how to do a U-turn, 2-point turn, 3-point turn, park (the normal way), get out of the parking space, and of course parallel park. I passed everything according to his evaluation...but he had one comment...I had to learn how to drive more safely...I think he meant I was too aggressive. What?! Ok fine...I admit I was a bit impatient. But hey, I'm still alive and the car didn't have a single mark on it.
Anyway, after that, I went for our annual office party. It was hilarious! It was the usual party- games, food, performances, speeches, lucky draw...but the games were hilarious. The first one was...I dunno what it was called...but basically, a couple from each division of the office would come up on stage. Each couple will be given a set of stickers and they are supposed to stick it on the part of the body that starts with P or T (guy sticks on girl and girl sticks on guy). At the end of 15 seconds, the pair with the most stickers stuck on the various body parts will win. So the usual...people stuck it on the palm, thighs, puwit (which is butt in Tagalog), toes, etc. What amazed me was this pair who was really creative! One part they mentioned was the private part. Whoa.
So we had dinner and all...dinner wasn't fantastic but it was followed by another silly game. The game was evolved from musical chairs. But this one doesnt involve chairs. Basically, the men will form a circle facing outwards. They all have plastic bottles in between their thighs. The ladies will have to dance around the guys in a circle and when the music stops, they've got to grab the bottle. The person who doesn't have a bottle to grab will be thrown out of the game. So the number of people reduces until there is only one guy left with two girls going for the bottle. Haha...it was just hilarious! You should've seen the last guy's face. He was so scared I think he broke into cold sweat!
And yes, I mentioned that dinner wasn't fantastic. We didn't even have dessert. So I had to run to the neighboring restaurant to buy dessert. While waiting for my dessert to come, I had to go to the toilet (they only had one cubicle by the way, so both guys and girls use the same one). It was locked. Suddenly, this hot Filipino superstar came out topless. I'm not kidding! I said he was hot cause everyone thinks he's hot but I don't really think so. Anyway, he is Piolo Pascual... this commercial model/TV host/actor who's supposed to really rock your socks off but err..nah. Apparently he's got some event at the same area that night and he's using my dessert restaurant as his changing room. I gotta admit he's quite nice though. Not at all the I'm-so-hot-so-get-out-of-my-way. He was very apologetic when we saw me. Oh and did I mention he was quite...dense? He locked the toilet door on his way out. Bah.
This was followed by the part where each division of the office will come up with a certain presentation to entertain us. My parents were supposed to be judges but they passed the authority to me. Hihihi. It was a good show though. Since the theme of the party was 70's, a lot of them brought back the "in" thing during that time...We had people imitating Michael Jackson's big hair and also John Travolta's dance moves. We had a good laugh! But I would say, my favorite performance was my brother's. For the first time, he sang! I thought he was really cute. Oh, I forgot to mention, he played the guitar too.
I guess what really made my day was my SAT score! I mean...it's not all that fantastic but it's higher than I expected. :) Guess now, I have no excuse not to apply to the States...
Ok, gotta crash now...more driving tomorrow!
To start off, I went to this mall in the morning. You see, if I'm sleepy, I become an impulse buyer. So I walked into Adidas and saw this nice white jacket with red stripes. Haha I tried it on and quickly bought it. I mean, it's not that I need a jacket...it's not that I don't have a jacket...but I just had to buy it. I'm starting to think that maybe I am a shoppaholic and I need some rehabilitation. Well come to think of it, I didn't regret getting it so I guess it's not such a bad case of impulse buying.
After that, I went for my second driving lessons. I was taught how to drive in uphills and downhills. I was also taught how to do a U-turn, 2-point turn, 3-point turn, park (the normal way), get out of the parking space, and of course parallel park. I passed everything according to his evaluation...but he had one comment...I had to learn how to drive more safely...I think he meant I was too aggressive. What?! Ok fine...I admit I was a bit impatient. But hey, I'm still alive and the car didn't have a single mark on it.
Anyway, after that, I went for our annual office party. It was hilarious! It was the usual party- games, food, performances, speeches, lucky draw...but the games were hilarious. The first one was...I dunno what it was called...but basically, a couple from each division of the office would come up on stage. Each couple will be given a set of stickers and they are supposed to stick it on the part of the body that starts with P or T (guy sticks on girl and girl sticks on guy). At the end of 15 seconds, the pair with the most stickers stuck on the various body parts will win. So the usual...people stuck it on the palm, thighs, puwit (which is butt in Tagalog), toes, etc. What amazed me was this pair who was really creative! One part they mentioned was the private part. Whoa.
So we had dinner and all...dinner wasn't fantastic but it was followed by another silly game. The game was evolved from musical chairs. But this one doesnt involve chairs. Basically, the men will form a circle facing outwards. They all have plastic bottles in between their thighs. The ladies will have to dance around the guys in a circle and when the music stops, they've got to grab the bottle. The person who doesn't have a bottle to grab will be thrown out of the game. So the number of people reduces until there is only one guy left with two girls going for the bottle. Haha...it was just hilarious! You should've seen the last guy's face. He was so scared I think he broke into cold sweat!
And yes, I mentioned that dinner wasn't fantastic. We didn't even have dessert. So I had to run to the neighboring restaurant to buy dessert. While waiting for my dessert to come, I had to go to the toilet (they only had one cubicle by the way, so both guys and girls use the same one). It was locked. Suddenly, this hot Filipino superstar came out topless. I'm not kidding! I said he was hot cause everyone thinks he's hot but I don't really think so. Anyway, he is Piolo Pascual... this commercial model/TV host/actor who's supposed to really rock your socks off but err..nah. Apparently he's got some event at the same area that night and he's using my dessert restaurant as his changing room. I gotta admit he's quite nice though. Not at all the I'm-so-hot-so-get-out-of-my-way. He was very apologetic when we saw me. Oh and did I mention he was quite...dense? He locked the toilet door on his way out. Bah.
This was followed by the part where each division of the office will come up with a certain presentation to entertain us. My parents were supposed to be judges but they passed the authority to me. Hihihi. It was a good show though. Since the theme of the party was 70's, a lot of them brought back the "in" thing during that time...We had people imitating Michael Jackson's big hair and also John Travolta's dance moves. We had a good laugh! But I would say, my favorite performance was my brother's. For the first time, he sang! I thought he was really cute. Oh, I forgot to mention, he played the guitar too.
I guess what really made my day was my SAT score! I mean...it's not all that fantastic but it's higher than I expected. :) Guess now, I have no excuse not to apply to the States...
Ok, gotta crash now...more driving tomorrow!
12.17.2005
My First Day on the Road
I'm home alone with my nephew Nico- teaching him how to sharpen a pencil and write his name. He's really sweet! After I sharpened his pencils, he said: "Thanks A-Ee!" and then he kept on kissing me. I felt so happy to have him (and to think he's not even my real son)! Anyway, I'm supposed to be taking care of him but while he's busy sticking sponge bob stickers everywhere, I shall just blog.
Today was my first time to drive out in the streets. I guess it's just now that I fully understand what they meant by: If you know how to drive in Manila, you can drive anywhere! Let me just describe to you how it is to drive in Manila streets. My instructor asked me to drive in the middle lane after I turn left and so I went to the position that seemed like the middle lane to me. When I looked down on the road, I realized that there was a white painted line (which meant that I was actually travelling in between lanes) so I was like: "Am I in the wrong lane???" And my instructor goes: "Don't worry, those lines are fake!" Ok...nevermind. After that, my instructor brought me to a place without traffic lights- this means that I had to be super alert. Suddenly, a tricycle counterflows! My initial reaction was to move away from the tricycle but of course I can't cause there's a car parked on the road side and if I move away from the tricycle, I'll bump into the parked car. So my instructor told me: "There are two things you have to be aware of- moving and non-moving objects. If it's not moving, you've got to move away from it. If it's moving, don't bother to look after it because it will look after itself." Well, so much for defensive driving! I think it's a bit impossible to do that here. So we approached an intersection. The trick is to move inch by inch until the other cars can't move anymore and you leave them no choice but to let you pass. It's really scary cause out of nowhere, you'll just see a jeepney or a bus drive towards you. After that I had to turn right (yup, still no traffic light), suddenly there are kids playing basketball on the road! After honking on them like 10 times, they still didn't move! My instructor told me to just go and they'll move away. I've got the car, they definitely have to move away! I was scared at first but yeah I just went ahead and yeah, they moved. Silly boys. At the end of the day, I learned that you just gotta whack! More lessons to come next week!
Ok, Nico is fighting for the computer now. I gotta go before he clicks this whole entry away!
P.S. Wanna join me for a ride? :p
Today was my first time to drive out in the streets. I guess it's just now that I fully understand what they meant by: If you know how to drive in Manila, you can drive anywhere! Let me just describe to you how it is to drive in Manila streets. My instructor asked me to drive in the middle lane after I turn left and so I went to the position that seemed like the middle lane to me. When I looked down on the road, I realized that there was a white painted line (which meant that I was actually travelling in between lanes) so I was like: "Am I in the wrong lane???" And my instructor goes: "Don't worry, those lines are fake!" Ok...nevermind. After that, my instructor brought me to a place without traffic lights- this means that I had to be super alert. Suddenly, a tricycle counterflows! My initial reaction was to move away from the tricycle but of course I can't cause there's a car parked on the road side and if I move away from the tricycle, I'll bump into the parked car. So my instructor told me: "There are two things you have to be aware of- moving and non-moving objects. If it's not moving, you've got to move away from it. If it's moving, don't bother to look after it because it will look after itself." Well, so much for defensive driving! I think it's a bit impossible to do that here. So we approached an intersection. The trick is to move inch by inch until the other cars can't move anymore and you leave them no choice but to let you pass. It's really scary cause out of nowhere, you'll just see a jeepney or a bus drive towards you. After that I had to turn right (yup, still no traffic light), suddenly there are kids playing basketball on the road! After honking on them like 10 times, they still didn't move! My instructor told me to just go and they'll move away. I've got the car, they definitely have to move away! I was scared at first but yeah I just went ahead and yeah, they moved. Silly boys. At the end of the day, I learned that you just gotta whack! More lessons to come next week!
Ok, Nico is fighting for the computer now. I gotta go before he clicks this whole entry away!
P.S. Wanna join me for a ride? :p
12.16.2005
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives." -Lawana Blackwell-
It doesn't matter how difficult it may seem...it doesn't matter how long it takes. All we've got to do is to choose to forgive no matter how painful it is. After all, we're not doing it for anybody else except ourselves.
I was discussing this topic with a friend and it was a huge realization for me. I don't know about you but I've always thought that forgiveness is something that other people would have to earn. I thought that if I forgave someone because of something he did, he should be really happy that I actually forgave him. But actually, that's not the way it works. Forgiveness is not for the other person...it's actually for myself.
Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If we wait for the urge to forgive, it will never come. We have to choose to forgive and the feelings will follow later on. Why do we have to choose to forgive? Cause if we don't, we will be taken over by bitterness...and this will hinder us from seeing the bigger picture.It doesn't matter how difficult it may seem...it doesn't matter how long it takes. All we've got to do is to choose to forgive no matter how painful it is. After all, we're not doing it for anybody else except ourselves.
Where Is My Room?
Just got home...I'm really exhausted. Well just a bit of update: my hair is now shorter, a lot shorter and I've got red highlights...which aren't really very visible unless I'm under the sun. I decided against the curls cause my hairdresser (Victor) says that I'll look like a Japanese. Fine. Drop the idea then. Next update: My internet is SO screwed up. Since this house is made of cement, the signal just can't go through. Guess wireless technology isn't such a great idea. I've got to wait for the guy to come and poke a hole through my ceiling so that I can get a wired internet connection. More update: I am starting my first driving lesson tomorrow! It's gonna last two hours long. Wow. Hope the instructor has a lot of patience!
I realized that I kind of feel lost in this house. I sleep in my room but I don't get the privacy that I used to have. My sister (Karen), her new baby and the baby's nanny sleeps there with me. Basically, I am only in my room when I need to sleep. Since Nyles has a lot of stuff: bottle warmer, tub, bottles, thermos, etc...I can't use my bathroom. So, I have to travel to the next room (Karen's real room) to use her toilet. Her room has been converted into a store room ever since she moved to Canada and so it's not really "livable". Anyway, my desk is also filled with baby stuff so I can't even use my computer in my own room. So, my computer is also in Karen's room. I thought I'd get some privacy there...but no. My yaya sleeps there (Yaya is my nanny who's been with us for 35 years...). So, for my quiet time, I have to march down to our living room for it. Anyway, that's the way it'll be for now. I miss my own room!
I realized that I kind of feel lost in this house. I sleep in my room but I don't get the privacy that I used to have. My sister (Karen), her new baby and the baby's nanny sleeps there with me. Basically, I am only in my room when I need to sleep. Since Nyles has a lot of stuff: bottle warmer, tub, bottles, thermos, etc...I can't use my bathroom. So, I have to travel to the next room (Karen's real room) to use her toilet. Her room has been converted into a store room ever since she moved to Canada and so it's not really "livable". Anyway, my desk is also filled with baby stuff so I can't even use my computer in my own room. So, my computer is also in Karen's room. I thought I'd get some privacy there...but no. My yaya sleeps there (Yaya is my nanny who's been with us for 35 years...). So, for my quiet time, I have to march down to our living room for it. Anyway, that's the way it'll be for now. I miss my own room!
12.12.2005
Home
Woah. It's been a while since I last updated...been really busy back home- well, more of busy catching up with friends and family. Let's see...what have I been up to? Mostly helping my mom...shop. That's why this is my most favourite time of the year...I can really be helpful by shopping for my mom! You see, she's got tons and tons of godchildren and friends and stuff...so I'm her personal shopper. The best job ever.
Apart from that...I've done a couple of chores too. I've gotten our 12 year old piano tuned, applied for student driver's license (hey, it's quite tough...gotta apply for some TIN thingy) and taken care of my nephews! I've also managed to get myself piano lessons...since I haven't touched a piano for more than four years now...and I really wanna learn again. I might get guitar lessons too. I'm trying to drag myself to the gym but I'm just being really lazy... though I know I need it. This year, we're having loads of Christmas parties...18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 24th and 31st. Whoa. Talk about getting fat! (Christmas is coming....the girls are getting fat.)
But despite the bright Christmas lights everywhere, the busy schedule I have to follow...I still miss Singapore. I really do think about it a lot...my friends...and a lot of other more serious stuff which I'll probably blog about soon. I'm really in no mood to feel sentimental.
Anyway, I'm going to the parlor tomorrow...thinking of either cutting my hair or getting curls...hmmm...suggestions anyone?
Apart from that...I've done a couple of chores too. I've gotten our 12 year old piano tuned, applied for student driver's license (hey, it's quite tough...gotta apply for some TIN thingy) and taken care of my nephews! I've also managed to get myself piano lessons...since I haven't touched a piano for more than four years now...and I really wanna learn again. I might get guitar lessons too. I'm trying to drag myself to the gym but I'm just being really lazy... though I know I need it. This year, we're having loads of Christmas parties...18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 24th and 31st. Whoa. Talk about getting fat! (Christmas is coming....the girls are getting fat.)
But despite the bright Christmas lights everywhere, the busy schedule I have to follow...I still miss Singapore. I really do think about it a lot...my friends...and a lot of other more serious stuff which I'll probably blog about soon. I'm really in no mood to feel sentimental.
Anyway, I'm going to the parlor tomorrow...thinking of either cutting my hair or getting curls...hmmm...suggestions anyone?
12.05.2005
Nostalgia
Whew! I never really thought that post-exam period would be as stressful as exam period...except this one is a different kind of stress. Kind of like fun stress- you know, shopping every single day trying to look for prom dress and the perfect Christmas present for everyone...making sure it's not too expensive and yet useful and meaningful...
I guess in a way, keeping myself busy is good (apart from me getting sick cause I've been going out too much and not really getting much sleep)- then I don't really have to think about the fact that I'm going back home for almost 5 months and that things will just be so different when I come back here. Jo will be in Melbourne...Albert may or may not be here anymore...Lianglin and Ernest will be in the army... It's really ironic... I never thought I'd ever say this, but here it goes: I will miss Singapore very very much.
But even though I may have been really busy...thoughts about leaving this place can't completely escape my thoughts. Somehow, it just manages to creep into my mind. As much as I want to avoid thinking about it, I just can't. I guess the idea of not knowing what's up next for me scares me quite a bit. It's not so much about not knowing which university I'll be going to...but more of leaving the people I really care for and not knowing when I'll see them again...I will definitely see them individually...but it won't really be the same anymore. Like just now, a few of us were preparing for a BBQ we're having tomorrow...and I just found myself looking at them from one corner and wondering when we all can spend time together again...as a group of people who became close because of a common passion. Just thinking about all the great times we've spent together...Wow. I can't even find the right words to express how much they mean to me.
I guess I'm just really tired of change. I'm not really a person who trusts and it just sucks when you find a group of people whom you can trust but then suddenly, things just have to change. Same thing happened when I left for Singapore...and now, it's happening all over again. Although I am looking forward to spending good time with my family and friends back home, I'm having mixed feelings about it cause I'll be leaving my family here. Oh well, guess life is just like that- nothing is constant.
I guess in a way, keeping myself busy is good (apart from me getting sick cause I've been going out too much and not really getting much sleep)- then I don't really have to think about the fact that I'm going back home for almost 5 months and that things will just be so different when I come back here. Jo will be in Melbourne...Albert may or may not be here anymore...Lianglin and Ernest will be in the army... It's really ironic... I never thought I'd ever say this, but here it goes: I will miss Singapore very very much.
But even though I may have been really busy...thoughts about leaving this place can't completely escape my thoughts. Somehow, it just manages to creep into my mind. As much as I want to avoid thinking about it, I just can't. I guess the idea of not knowing what's up next for me scares me quite a bit. It's not so much about not knowing which university I'll be going to...but more of leaving the people I really care for and not knowing when I'll see them again...I will definitely see them individually...but it won't really be the same anymore. Like just now, a few of us were preparing for a BBQ we're having tomorrow...and I just found myself looking at them from one corner and wondering when we all can spend time together again...as a group of people who became close because of a common passion. Just thinking about all the great times we've spent together...Wow. I can't even find the right words to express how much they mean to me.
I guess I'm just really tired of change. I'm not really a person who trusts and it just sucks when you find a group of people whom you can trust but then suddenly, things just have to change. Same thing happened when I left for Singapore...and now, it's happening all over again. Although I am looking forward to spending good time with my family and friends back home, I'm having mixed feelings about it cause I'll be leaving my family here. Oh well, guess life is just like that- nothing is constant.
11.20.2005
A Different Perspective
Have you ever seen yourself in someone else? As in maybe a situation, or a trait of that person that totally reminds you of yourself? Well, lately I think I've been seeing a lot of that in my friend's friend. I haven't really met her yet but from the way my friend talks about her...It's just so me. I don't know if it's a common characteristic among ladies or it's just me. But I don't like what I see.
Maybe it's just the situation that made me feel that way. It doesn't mean that she's completely a bad person...but maybe it's because I'm seeing my friend suffer...I'm seeing him hurt...that's why I hate it and in the process I begin to question why I'm kind of like that too.
I concede. It's a known fact that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. But as I try to explain to my friend my side of the story...or why I think that his friend is acting in that manner, I realize that we are complicated. And I guess mostly it's because most women are very emotional. Since emotions can be influenced by so many factors, it becomes so complicated. So I guess that sometimes, we just can't help it. Not that I'm succumbing to nature...guess if we really wanted to change...we can.
Maybe it's just the situation that made me feel that way. It doesn't mean that she's completely a bad person...but maybe it's because I'm seeing my friend suffer...I'm seeing him hurt...that's why I hate it and in the process I begin to question why I'm kind of like that too.
I concede. It's a known fact that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. But as I try to explain to my friend my side of the story...or why I think that his friend is acting in that manner, I realize that we are complicated. And I guess mostly it's because most women are very emotional. Since emotions can be influenced by so many factors, it becomes so complicated. So I guess that sometimes, we just can't help it. Not that I'm succumbing to nature...guess if we really wanted to change...we can.
11.15.2005
Welcome to the Family
NYLES KEVIN was born today at around 0230. Seven pounds and eleven ounces, he's a strong, chubby little boy who's very lucky to have me as his aunt. Heh. Just kidding. Just imagining what it would be like with four little boys running around our house now. Yipes! Really can't wait to meet him. Tomorrow, I'm going to go get something for him...any suggestions?
11.13.2005
Just Slackin'
Five papers down, seven more to go. Somehow, I'm losing the urgency to study. Oh well, maybe it's because it's an afternoon paper tomorrow. Anyway, I'm kinda worried. I've been having trouble breathing these past few weeks...and I really don't know why. Hope it's nothing serious. Ok, I seriously need to get back to studying. I'll update as soon as I'm semi-free. :)
11.11.2005
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley-
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley-
11.08.2005
Finding an Excuse Not to Study
Ok, I really really don't have the brains to study now...I think I lost it all during math today. It was good, but exhausting. Haha...But then, I don't really feel like sleeping yet because I'll feel so unproductive...So here's my excuse:
10 YEARS AGO I...
-went on an Eastern Mediterranean Cruise.
-was super scrawny.
-loved dancing so much.
-experienced the greatest tragedy in my life.
-was fond of our cat named Clovia and our dog named Mitsu.
5 YEARS AGO I...
-was part of a musical called "True Love Waits".
-was a part of Echoettes Young Voices.
-went on a Western Mediterranean Cruise and had a crush on one of the performers.
-was studying so hard to get my scholarship.
-was so sad because the sister closest to me got married.
1 YEAR AGO I...
-moved out of boarding school.
-experienced a snowy Christmas.
-had my heart broken for the first time.
-realized that singing is something I could do the rest of my life.
-felt like a princess thrown out of my castle.
YESTERDAY I...
-was excited that my exams are starting!
-studied in school the whole day.
-spent my day with numbers.
-learned how to play the first part of "I'd Give My Life for You".
-took a bus to Holland Village.
5 SNACKS I ENJOY...
-bread with butter and sugar.
-chocolates.
-waffle with ice cream.
-cereals.
-hmm...sun chips!
5 SONGS I KNOW ALL THE WORDS...
-All the songs from Miss Saigon!
-Angel in Disguise by Corrinne May
-Err...do christmas carols and choir songs count? (except gaelic blessing...i keep forgetting)
-Love Moves (in Mysterious Ways) by MYMP
-Tattooed on my Mind by D' Sound
5 THINGS I WOULD DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS...
-buy a beach house.
-pay back my parents for all my nonesense.
-hmm...buy my ipod video! haha :)
-donate some to charity. :)
-can't think of anything more...maybe i'll save it!
5 PLACES I WOULD RUN AWAY TO...
-Sentosa Beach (yes I'd do that...)
-New York
-I'd want to go to the Colliseum again..
-Canada
-Santorini, Greece
5 THINGS I WOULD NEVER WEAR...
-anything with leather
-anything with fur
-anything velvet
-leggings
-hmmm what else??
5 FAVOURITE TV SHOWS...
-Alias
-Everwood
-Grey's Anatomy
-Desperate Housewives
-One Tree Hill
5 BAD HABITS...
-procrastinating
-pulling my hair
-not doing my laundry
-snoozing my alarm clock
-not finishing my food
5 BIGGEST JOYS...
-being with my nephews
-shopping
-singing...singing...singing....
-travelling
-oh have i mentioned shopping?
5 FICTIONAL CHARACTERS I WOULD DATE...
-Michael Vaughn...if he were still alive!
-I'm really loyal so I only have him on my list... :)
Ok, back to studying!
10 YEARS AGO I...
-went on an Eastern Mediterranean Cruise.
-was super scrawny.
-loved dancing so much.
-experienced the greatest tragedy in my life.
-was fond of our cat named Clovia and our dog named Mitsu.
5 YEARS AGO I...
-was part of a musical called "True Love Waits".
-was a part of Echoettes Young Voices.
-went on a Western Mediterranean Cruise and had a crush on one of the performers.
-was studying so hard to get my scholarship.
-was so sad because the sister closest to me got married.
1 YEAR AGO I...
-moved out of boarding school.
-experienced a snowy Christmas.
-had my heart broken for the first time.
-realized that singing is something I could do the rest of my life.
-felt like a princess thrown out of my castle.
YESTERDAY I...
-was excited that my exams are starting!
-studied in school the whole day.
-spent my day with numbers.
-learned how to play the first part of "I'd Give My Life for You".
-took a bus to Holland Village.
5 SNACKS I ENJOY...
-bread with butter and sugar.
-chocolates.
-waffle with ice cream.
-cereals.
-hmm...sun chips!
5 SONGS I KNOW ALL THE WORDS...
-All the songs from Miss Saigon!
-Angel in Disguise by Corrinne May
-Err...do christmas carols and choir songs count? (except gaelic blessing...i keep forgetting)
-Love Moves (in Mysterious Ways) by MYMP
-Tattooed on my Mind by D' Sound
5 THINGS I WOULD DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS...
-buy a beach house.
-pay back my parents for all my nonesense.
-hmm...buy my ipod video! haha :)
-donate some to charity. :)
-can't think of anything more...maybe i'll save it!
5 PLACES I WOULD RUN AWAY TO...
-Sentosa Beach (yes I'd do that...)
-New York
-I'd want to go to the Colliseum again..
-Canada
-Santorini, Greece
5 THINGS I WOULD NEVER WEAR...
-anything with leather
-anything with fur
-anything velvet
-leggings
-hmmm what else??
5 FAVOURITE TV SHOWS...
-Alias
-Everwood
-Grey's Anatomy
-Desperate Housewives
-One Tree Hill
5 BAD HABITS...
-procrastinating
-pulling my hair
-not doing my laundry
-snoozing my alarm clock
-not finishing my food
5 BIGGEST JOYS...
-being with my nephews
-shopping
-singing...singing...singing....
-travelling
-oh have i mentioned shopping?
5 FICTIONAL CHARACTERS I WOULD DATE...
-Michael Vaughn...if he were still alive!
-I'm really loyal so I only have him on my list... :)
Ok, back to studying!
11.04.2005
My Little Darling
Daven turned 5 today. Gosh I can't believe how fast time flies...I remember how I used to feed him when he was just a few months old and now he's asking me to buy him Hot Wheels! Oh well, I really miss my little darling.. :) Counting the days 'til I go back home...
11.02.2005
I'm Only Human
It's been a really long time since I've spent time with the people closest to me- my family, my friends, my cousins...and it just scares me how I've changed and how much they don't know me anymore. Most of the time, I find myself frustrated with their reactions. Well, I've changed. It's not that I wanted to, it's just the way it is.
People often think of me as the person I was four years ago. I wouldn't blame them...those images were the last of me they'd ever seen. Of course they'll expect to see those right? But what they don't know are the things experiences I've gone through while I've been away. How these things have shaped who I am now and how these challenges have changed my perspective on life. I've talked to them about my day to day experiences but it's not that simple to understand.
Sometimes I ask myself, have I really changed for the better? Honestly, I don't know. All I know is that, I'm different in the sense that now, I feel more. No more I'm-the-king-of-the-world illusions. I'm only human. I make mistakes and I'm not as strong as you think I am. Now that I'm in this stage of my life when I really need your support, please don't shun me away and tell me that I can do it like I've done before. It kills me even more that you expect me to be who I was before when right now, I'm really struggling. Please hear me out.
People often think of me as the person I was four years ago. I wouldn't blame them...those images were the last of me they'd ever seen. Of course they'll expect to see those right? But what they don't know are the things experiences I've gone through while I've been away. How these things have shaped who I am now and how these challenges have changed my perspective on life. I've talked to them about my day to day experiences but it's not that simple to understand.
Sometimes I ask myself, have I really changed for the better? Honestly, I don't know. All I know is that, I'm different in the sense that now, I feel more. No more I'm-the-king-of-the-world illusions. I'm only human. I make mistakes and I'm not as strong as you think I am. Now that I'm in this stage of my life when I really need your support, please don't shun me away and tell me that I can do it like I've done before. It kills me even more that you expect me to be who I was before when right now, I'm really struggling. Please hear me out.
10.31.2005
A Sad Story...
It all started when I was 16 years old. While I was playing outside on my farm in California, I met a boy. He was an average kind of boy who teased you and then you chased them and beat them up. After that first meeting in which I beat him up we kept on meeting and beating each other up at the fence.
That only lasted for a little while though. We would meet at the fence all the time and we were always together. I would tell him all my secrets. He was very quiet he would just listen to what I had to say. I found him easy to talk to and I could talk to him about everything. In school we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school.
One day I said to him that a guy I liked hurt me and broke my heart. He just comforted me and said everything would be okay. He gave me words of encouragement and helped me get over him. I was happy and thought of him as a real friend. But I knew that there was something else about him that I liked. I thought of it that night and figured it was just a "friend" kinda thing that I was feeling. All through high school and even through graduation we're always together and of course I thought of it as being friends. But I knew deep inside that I really felt differently.
On graduation night even though we had different dates to the prom I wanted to be with him. That night after everybody went home, I went to his house and wanted to tell him that I wanted to see him. Well, that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with him watching the stars and talking about what I was going to do and what he was going to do. I looked into his eyes and listened to him talk about what his dream was. How he wanted to get married and settle down. He said how he wanted to be rich and successful. All I could do was to tell him my dream and cuddle next to him.
I went home hurting because I didn't tell him how I was feeling. I wanted to tell him so bad that I loved him but I was too scared and frightened. I let my feelings go and told myself that someday I would tell him just how I felt.
All through college I wanted to tell him but he always had someone with him. After graduation he got a job in New York; I was happy for him but at the same time I was sad to see him go. I was sad also because I didn't tell him how I felt. But I couldn't let him know now that he was leaving for his big job. So I just kept it to myself and watched him go on the plane. I cried as I hugged him for what I felt was going to be the last time. I felt hurt that I didn't tell him what I had inside my heart.
One day I got a letter with an invitation to a wedding. It was from him; I was happy and sad at the same time. Now I know that I could never be with him and that we could only be friends.I went to the wedding the next month. It was a big occasion. It was a big church wedding with the reception at a hotel. I met the bride and of course I talked to him too. I fell in love one more time. But I held back so it wouldn't spoil what should be the happiest day in his life. I tried to have fun that night but it was killing me inside watching him being so happy and me trying to be happy covering up my sadness tears inside of me. I left New York feeling that I did the right thing. Before I left on the flight, he came running out of nowhere and said his good-byes and how he was very happy to see me. I came home and just tried to forget about what went on in New York. I had to go on with my life.
As the years went on, we wrote to each other on what was going on and how he had missed talking to me. On one occasion he never wrote back to me at all. I was getting worried as to why he hadn't written anything for a long time after I had already written six letters to him.Well, just when everything seemed hopeless and sad in my life, I got a note that said: "Meet me at the fence where we used to talk about things". I went and saw him there. I was happy to see him, but he was brokenhearted and sad inside. We hugged until we couldn't breathe anymore. Then he told me about the divorce and why he hadn't written for a long time. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore. Finally, we went back to the house and talked and laughed about what I had been doing and to catch up on old times. But in all of this, I couldn't tell him how I felt about him.
In the days that followed, he had fun and forgot about all his problem and his divorce. I fell in love again with him. When it came time for him to leave back to New York, I went to see him off and cried. I hated to see him leave. He promised to see me every time he could get a vacation. I couldn't wait for him to come so I could be with him. We would always have fun when we were together.
One day he didn't show up like he said he would. I figured that he might have been busy. The days turned into months and I just forgot about it. Then I got a call one day from a lawyer in New York. The lawyer said that he had died in a car accident going to the airport, and that it took this long till everything was settled.
It broke my heart. I was shocked about what took place. Now I knew why he didn't come that day. Again, I was brokenhearted. I cried that night, cried tears of sadness and heartache. I asked questions: "Why did this happen to a kind guy like him?"I gathered my things and went to New York for the reading of his will. Of course, things were given to his family and his ex-wife. I finally got to meet her since the last time we met at the wedding. She explained to me how he was and how he always provided. But he was always unhappy. She would always try everything but she couldn't get him happy, as he was that night at their wedding.
When the will was read, the one thing that was given to me was a diary. It was a dairy that of his life. I cried as it was given to me. I didn't know what to think. Why was this given to me? I took it and flew back to California.As I flew on the plane I remembered the good times that we had together. I started reading the diary and what was written. The diary was started with the day we first met. I read on till I started to cry. The diary told of him saying that he had fallen in love with me that day I was broken-hearted. But he was too afraid to tell me what he had felt. That is why he was so quiet and liked to listen to me. It told of how he wanted to tell me so many times, but was too afraid to say anything. It told of when he went to New York and fell in love with another. How the happiest time he had was seeing me and dancing with me at the wedding. He said he imagined it was our wedding. How he was always unhappy till he had no choice but to divorce his wife. How the best time in his life was to read the letters written to him by me.
Finally, the diary ended when it said, "today I will tell her I love her". It was the day he was killed. The day I was going to finally find out what was really in his heart.
That only lasted for a little while though. We would meet at the fence all the time and we were always together. I would tell him all my secrets. He was very quiet he would just listen to what I had to say. I found him easy to talk to and I could talk to him about everything. In school we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school.
One day I said to him that a guy I liked hurt me and broke my heart. He just comforted me and said everything would be okay. He gave me words of encouragement and helped me get over him. I was happy and thought of him as a real friend. But I knew that there was something else about him that I liked. I thought of it that night and figured it was just a "friend" kinda thing that I was feeling. All through high school and even through graduation we're always together and of course I thought of it as being friends. But I knew deep inside that I really felt differently.
On graduation night even though we had different dates to the prom I wanted to be with him. That night after everybody went home, I went to his house and wanted to tell him that I wanted to see him. Well, that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with him watching the stars and talking about what I was going to do and what he was going to do. I looked into his eyes and listened to him talk about what his dream was. How he wanted to get married and settle down. He said how he wanted to be rich and successful. All I could do was to tell him my dream and cuddle next to him.
I went home hurting because I didn't tell him how I was feeling. I wanted to tell him so bad that I loved him but I was too scared and frightened. I let my feelings go and told myself that someday I would tell him just how I felt.
All through college I wanted to tell him but he always had someone with him. After graduation he got a job in New York; I was happy for him but at the same time I was sad to see him go. I was sad also because I didn't tell him how I felt. But I couldn't let him know now that he was leaving for his big job. So I just kept it to myself and watched him go on the plane. I cried as I hugged him for what I felt was going to be the last time. I felt hurt that I didn't tell him what I had inside my heart.
One day I got a letter with an invitation to a wedding. It was from him; I was happy and sad at the same time. Now I know that I could never be with him and that we could only be friends.I went to the wedding the next month. It was a big occasion. It was a big church wedding with the reception at a hotel. I met the bride and of course I talked to him too. I fell in love one more time. But I held back so it wouldn't spoil what should be the happiest day in his life. I tried to have fun that night but it was killing me inside watching him being so happy and me trying to be happy covering up my sadness tears inside of me. I left New York feeling that I did the right thing. Before I left on the flight, he came running out of nowhere and said his good-byes and how he was very happy to see me. I came home and just tried to forget about what went on in New York. I had to go on with my life.
As the years went on, we wrote to each other on what was going on and how he had missed talking to me. On one occasion he never wrote back to me at all. I was getting worried as to why he hadn't written anything for a long time after I had already written six letters to him.Well, just when everything seemed hopeless and sad in my life, I got a note that said: "Meet me at the fence where we used to talk about things". I went and saw him there. I was happy to see him, but he was brokenhearted and sad inside. We hugged until we couldn't breathe anymore. Then he told me about the divorce and why he hadn't written for a long time. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore. Finally, we went back to the house and talked and laughed about what I had been doing and to catch up on old times. But in all of this, I couldn't tell him how I felt about him.
In the days that followed, he had fun and forgot about all his problem and his divorce. I fell in love again with him. When it came time for him to leave back to New York, I went to see him off and cried. I hated to see him leave. He promised to see me every time he could get a vacation. I couldn't wait for him to come so I could be with him. We would always have fun when we were together.
One day he didn't show up like he said he would. I figured that he might have been busy. The days turned into months and I just forgot about it. Then I got a call one day from a lawyer in New York. The lawyer said that he had died in a car accident going to the airport, and that it took this long till everything was settled.
It broke my heart. I was shocked about what took place. Now I knew why he didn't come that day. Again, I was brokenhearted. I cried that night, cried tears of sadness and heartache. I asked questions: "Why did this happen to a kind guy like him?"I gathered my things and went to New York for the reading of his will. Of course, things were given to his family and his ex-wife. I finally got to meet her since the last time we met at the wedding. She explained to me how he was and how he always provided. But he was always unhappy. She would always try everything but she couldn't get him happy, as he was that night at their wedding.
When the will was read, the one thing that was given to me was a diary. It was a dairy that of his life. I cried as it was given to me. I didn't know what to think. Why was this given to me? I took it and flew back to California.As I flew on the plane I remembered the good times that we had together. I started reading the diary and what was written. The diary was started with the day we first met. I read on till I started to cry. The diary told of him saying that he had fallen in love with me that day I was broken-hearted. But he was too afraid to tell me what he had felt. That is why he was so quiet and liked to listen to me. It told of how he wanted to tell me so many times, but was too afraid to say anything. It told of when he went to New York and fell in love with another. How the happiest time he had was seeing me and dancing with me at the wedding. He said he imagined it was our wedding. How he was always unhappy till he had no choice but to divorce his wife. How the best time in his life was to read the letters written to him by me.
Finally, the diary ended when it said, "today I will tell her I love her". It was the day he was killed. The day I was going to finally find out what was really in his heart.
10.25.2005
Daddy's Girl
So I just got off the phone with my dad. Now I'm feeling guilty again. Well to begin with, I wasn't exactly having a great day, I woke up today with a HUGE headache and I just couldn't get anything much done. Then my dad calls and asked me how I was. My usual reply, "I'm ok". Then he said, "Don't be so stressed ok? I think you should just go back home for university because we get so worried about you when you're far away. And we miss you loads." But of course to me, it just sounded like: Go to Ateneo or La Salle! Goodbye choir! Dreaming of going overseas? Don't even think about it! If that's the case, why am I even working so hard for the A's?
I got defensive and very uncalmly I said, "NO WAY! I've been here for four long years already, what's the point of going back?? If that's what you really wanted for me, you should have told me that two years ago so I didn't have to go through all these!"
"Well, we didn't miss you very much two years ago."
"That's not the point! There is NO WAY I'm going back home after everything I've been through!"
Of course, immediately after screaming at him, I thought to myself: NO NO NO NO NO...you did it again. You are such a disrespectful little brat!
So my dad didn't say anything about it and just asked how my day was...So I told him about my headache and my studying and all...and he told me to just count the days before I could go back...which is what I usually did. He asked me to think about the places I wanna go to during my break and we'll go where I want to go.
After that conversation, I really felt so bad because after thinking it through again, I realized that he only said what he said because 1: He was worried about me. 2: He misses me. And I realized how selfish I was the whole time. But then, when do you draw the line between selfishness and knowing what you really deserve? I mean, I want a better education...don't I deserve that? But then, staying overseas would mean that I'll be away and they'll have to keep working so I can get the life I want...isn't that being selfish?
The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I miss my dad...I know it's not really related to the whole selfish point but it made me think a lot about what we used to do when I was still back home... I miss the times when he'd wake me up every Sunday morning to go get breakfast together. I still remember how we'd go to those little photo taking booths afterwards and just take silly shots. I miss the times when we used to swim together-pool or bathtub- and he'd carry me to the deep end of the pool cause I was so scared. I miss the times he took me shopping...he'd just sit on one corner and point at the pretty little dresses for me to try on. I miss the times we went to New York together and watched countless broadway shows. I miss the times we sang together in the karaoke, the times I'd sit beside him watching tv and pinch his nose...and how he loved to tickle me.
But it's different now...as selfish as it may sound, I guess there are things that I need to do for myself as well. It's not that I don't wanna be with him. I really do and the time will come when I will. Just...not now. This doesn't mean I've changed. This doesn't mean that I love him any less. In fact, I'm missing him more and more.
I got defensive and very uncalmly I said, "NO WAY! I've been here for four long years already, what's the point of going back?? If that's what you really wanted for me, you should have told me that two years ago so I didn't have to go through all these!"
"Well, we didn't miss you very much two years ago."
"That's not the point! There is NO WAY I'm going back home after everything I've been through!"
Of course, immediately after screaming at him, I thought to myself: NO NO NO NO NO...you did it again. You are such a disrespectful little brat!
So my dad didn't say anything about it and just asked how my day was...So I told him about my headache and my studying and all...and he told me to just count the days before I could go back...which is what I usually did. He asked me to think about the places I wanna go to during my break and we'll go where I want to go.
After that conversation, I really felt so bad because after thinking it through again, I realized that he only said what he said because 1: He was worried about me. 2: He misses me. And I realized how selfish I was the whole time. But then, when do you draw the line between selfishness and knowing what you really deserve? I mean, I want a better education...don't I deserve that? But then, staying overseas would mean that I'll be away and they'll have to keep working so I can get the life I want...isn't that being selfish?
The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I miss my dad...I know it's not really related to the whole selfish point but it made me think a lot about what we used to do when I was still back home... I miss the times when he'd wake me up every Sunday morning to go get breakfast together. I still remember how we'd go to those little photo taking booths afterwards and just take silly shots. I miss the times when we used to swim together-pool or bathtub- and he'd carry me to the deep end of the pool cause I was so scared. I miss the times he took me shopping...he'd just sit on one corner and point at the pretty little dresses for me to try on. I miss the times we went to New York together and watched countless broadway shows. I miss the times we sang together in the karaoke, the times I'd sit beside him watching tv and pinch his nose...and how he loved to tickle me.
But it's different now...as selfish as it may sound, I guess there are things that I need to do for myself as well. It's not that I don't wanna be with him. I really do and the time will come when I will. Just...not now. This doesn't mean I've changed. This doesn't mean that I love him any less. In fact, I'm missing him more and more.
10.20.2005
Just a Random Thought
I can't forget the one and only time I lost something. It was in Hong Kong. I fine day, I wanted to go to Daimaru to get those artsy stuff...kind of like squeezing this colored paint into a mold and they'll bake it for you to turn it into some form of glass art. But on the way, I realized that I had lost the money that my parents gave me for it. And ever since then, I've learned my lesson. I made it a point to take care of everything I had--to the point that when I'm taking a nap in the car or in the bus, I'd suddenly wake up feeling my pockets, making sure I had still had my wallet or phone.
But as I grew up, I realized that things change. Sometimes, the more you hold on to things, the more you lose them. Somehow, we just have this innate desire to obtain something that's not actually for us. I don't really know how to explain it but sometimes, at the back of my mind, I know it's not for me...but then, I'd still do everything I can for it...in hopes that maybe, I could derserve it too. Only to find that I'll still lose it eventually. And the more I chase after it...the more determined I am to obtain it, the harder it is to let go. Why can't I just settle for something I have or something that's been there for me all along... and learn to love it? Because when you realize that it's actually what you really needed...it's such an undesirable feeling to find that it's not there anymore.
So how does one let go? It's a question I've asked myself a million times. And yes, I'm still searching for answers.
But as I grew up, I realized that things change. Sometimes, the more you hold on to things, the more you lose them. Somehow, we just have this innate desire to obtain something that's not actually for us. I don't really know how to explain it but sometimes, at the back of my mind, I know it's not for me...but then, I'd still do everything I can for it...in hopes that maybe, I could derserve it too. Only to find that I'll still lose it eventually. And the more I chase after it...the more determined I am to obtain it, the harder it is to let go. Why can't I just settle for something I have or something that's been there for me all along... and learn to love it? Because when you realize that it's actually what you really needed...it's such an undesirable feeling to find that it's not there anymore.
So how does one let go? It's a question I've asked myself a million times. And yes, I'm still searching for answers.
10.17.2005
I want it, and i want it now!
It's the all-new iPod! It's here and I want it now!!! It's slick, it's stylish, it's cool and it plays videos! More incentive to take the bus rather than a cab and I mean it! Who wants to buy my old iPod? Songs included! =pOh well, I'll be a good kid and buy it at the end of the year...after all that mugging, I do deserve it right? If not, I wonder if Santa would wanna give it to me this Christmas! All you people, keep me away from the Apple store or else...I might starve myself 'til the end of the year!
Anyway, I'm kinda sick right now...been tasting blood all morning, something's wrong with my throat. Back to studying!
10.13.2005
And So It Goes
So...it's finally over. Early mornings, running to the bus stop, running to the backstage for morning ensemble, trying to get rid of my croaky morning voice, seeing classmates snooze through assembly, dragging our butts to F2.11, counting minutes 'til the end of the period, trying to find a bird poopless table during recesses, rushing through tutorials during breaks...the list goes on. Seemed like such a drab but in reality, I'm starting to miss it.
What is it with goodbyes that make them so hard to do? It's not like we won't see each other anymore...but maybe, it's the change. Think about this, staying exactly where you are for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It feels better somehow, doesn't it? And even if you're suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Specially in an environment like AC, who would want to go the untraveled road?
But sadly, goodbyes are inevitable. And when the time comes for it, I often wonder, was it worth it? Did I make a difference in the lives of others just as they had in mine? And for that, I'd like to thank a bunch of crazy people, who've made my life in AC, a really fantastic one.
To SB1 2005: Waimay, Pei Xian, Daphne, Siran, Neha, Clara, Rachael, Lance, Leonard, Lionel, Jia Ming, Daniel, Zhiheng, Leow, Ben, Tawseef, Wei Jun, U-Jin, Eugene, Zou Li, Zhen Keng, and Eric. Thanks all for the great times we've had. Love you guys!
What is it with goodbyes that make them so hard to do? It's not like we won't see each other anymore...but maybe, it's the change. Think about this, staying exactly where you are for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It feels better somehow, doesn't it? And even if you're suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Specially in an environment like AC, who would want to go the untraveled road?
But sadly, goodbyes are inevitable. And when the time comes for it, I often wonder, was it worth it? Did I make a difference in the lives of others just as they had in mine? And for that, I'd like to thank a bunch of crazy people, who've made my life in AC, a really fantastic one.
To SB1 2005: Waimay, Pei Xian, Daphne, Siran, Neha, Clara, Rachael, Lance, Leonard, Lionel, Jia Ming, Daniel, Zhiheng, Leow, Ben, Tawseef, Wei Jun, U-Jin, Eugene, Zou Li, Zhen Keng, and Eric. Thanks all for the great times we've had. Love you guys!
To the CHOIR PEOPLE: Honestly, I can't really say much...choir has been such a big part of my life that I can't even begin to describe how much I'm going to miss every single bit of it! Yeah I know we talked about this during our farewell but...some things I just can't get over!
To the TEACHERS: Thanks so much for being soooo patient with our class and tolerating my talkativeness! We owe it all to you!
Well, since school is over...I kind of did something to my uniform...well, not exactly me but..heh. Here it is!
Oops...Don't worry, I've got 5 more somewhere in my closet!
10.11.2005
After 20 Years of Being Human...
Got this off my friend's site...Thought it was kinda interesting. Some of them made me think about what it was like to be a kid again. Check it out. :)
smoked a cigar(ette) - NOPE
madeout with a member of the same sex - Eww. Of Course Not.
crashed a friend's car - Thanks God, No!
stolen a car - I'm a good girl.
been in love - Sadly, yes.
shoplifted - I pay!
been fired - Haven't really started working.
been in a fist fight - When I was young, yes.
snuck out of my parent's house - Nope!
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - Nope if crushes don't count!
been arrested - Nope.
made out with a stranger - Yikes. No.
gone on a blind date - No.
lied to a friend - Guess everyone has done this.
had a crush on a teacher - Hmm...no.
been to Europe - Yeah! It's a great place!
skipped school - What if I was "sick"? Like really.
slept with a co-worker - I don't work!
seen someone die - Nope. I can't even bear the thought.
had a crush on one of your LJ friends - No. This is so high school-ish!
been to Canada - Yep! And I love it there!
been to Mexico - Nope!
been on a plane - Yep...more than my toes can count. That's the price for being a foreign student.
thrown up in a bar - Nope! I don't like bars.
purposely set a part of myself on fire - Haha I'm not crazy!
eaten Sushi - One of my favorite foods.
been snowboarding - Nope! Skiing? Yep.
met someone in person from LJ - Nope. Haha I've gone past that EB trend.
been moshing at a concert - No way! I don't like the thought of exchanging sweat droplets. Yuck!
been in an abusive relationship - No!
taken painkillers - Yes, especially now that my head hurts all the time.
love someone or miss someone right now - Of course...I'm far away from a lot of people...sad.
laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by - Yes...
made a snow angel - Nope!
had a tea party - Yes, with my Barbie dolls when I was 7.
flown a kite - Yeah but I think it landed on a puddle so no more kite flying.
built a sand castle - No...I don't like the sun that the sand comes with.
gone puddle jumping - Nope!
played dress up - Yes! As early as 3 years old...I was such a vain kid.
jumped into a pile of leaves - Not a pile...I like the sound of crunchy leaves when you step on them.
gone sledding - Nope!
cheated while playing a game - Yes! Haha...you've gotta play dirty when you're playing with my brothers!
been lonely - Who hasn't?
fallen asleep at work/school - Oh man...I'm guilty of this.
used a fake id - Nope! I'm old enough. Hah!
watched the sunset - Not really...But I'd love to...one day.
felt an earthquake - Yes! And I thought it was my brother making fun of me...
touched a snake - Yup...I even had a picture with it!
slept beneath the stars - Not exactly...
been tickled - A million times.
been robbed - Nope!
been misunderstood - Yeah...
petted a reindeer/goat - Nope, not yet. And I don't intend to.
won a contest - Yes.
run a red light - Nope.
been suspended from school - No.
been in a car accident - Yes.
had braces - Oh yes. Back in the days when metalmouths were cool.
felt like an outcast - Hey yaaaa, hey ya. Well, Yah.
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - No, I've never been that depressed.
had deja vu - Yes and it's kinda creepy.
danced in the moonlight - Nooo.
hated the way you look - Yes! A lot of times...
witnessed a crime - Uhh yeah. And it still haunts me...10 years after.
pole danced - No...
questioned your heart - Yup.
been obsessed with post-it notes - No. Haha! What a weird obsession.
squished barefoot through the mud - Nope. Yikes!
been lost - I'd think so. I'm bad with directions!
been to the opposite side of the country - Philippines? Nope. Singapore, well, how far can it be?swam in the ocean - Nope.
felt like dying - Oh yes.
cried yourself to sleep - Hmm...I think the answer's pretty obvious.
played cops and robbers - Yes! Who hasn't?
recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers - No. I've got A-levels!
sung karaoke - Yes...more of forced to.
paid for a meal with only coins - Yeah!
done something you told yourself you wouldn't - Yes...regretted.
made prank phone calls - Oh yes. Heh! I'll never forget them.
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose - Yes, thanks to my brother who made me laugh while I was drinking Coke. Yes, it was painful.
caught a snowflake on your tongue - Nope!
danced in the rain - No.
written a letter to Santa Claus - Yes, not knowing Santa Claus was my sister.
been kissed under a mistletoe - Nope!
watched the sun rise with someone you care about - Hmm...don't think so.
blown bubbles - Yep!
made a bonfire on the beach - No but I'd love to.
crashed a party - Nope.
gone rollerskating - Rollerblading, yes. My mom would freak out cause I'd do it inside the house.
had a wish come true - Yes.
humped a monkey - What?!?
worn pearls - Yep! That's what the name is for.
jumped off a bridge - Are you crazy?
screamed vagina in class - No.
ate dog/cat food - Haha I've never been THAT hungry. No.
told a complete stranger you loved them - No.
kissed a mirror - Hell no.
sang in the shower - All the time.
have a little black dress - Nope!
had a dream that you married someone - Nope!
glued your hand to something - How about glued my finger to my other finger?
got your tongue stuck to a flag pole - I'm still sane.
kissed a fish - I'm not that desperate.
worn the opposite sexes clothes - Yes! Back when I was tomboy-ish. Oh, the awkward stage of one's life.
been a cheerleader - Not exactly...but I've cheerdanced!
sat on a roof top - Yes.
screamed at the top of your lungs - Yup!
done a one-handed cartwheel - No...I can't even do it with both hands!
talked on the phone for more than 6 hours - Yes...
stayed up all night - Yup!
didnt take a shower for a week - Yuck. No way.
pick and ate an apple right off the tree - Nope.
climbed a tree - No.
had a tree house - No, but I wanted one so badly!
are scared to watch scary movies - Uhh yeah. You won't believe how much I scream.
believe in ghosts - Not really...
have more then 30 pairs of shoes - Currently? No.
worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say - Hmm...how ugly can uniforms get?
gone streaking - No!
played ding-dong-ditch - What's that?
played chicken - What's that?
been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on - No.
been told you're hot by a complete stranger - Hmm...
broken a bone - Nope!
been easily amused - Yes..haha!
caught a fish then ate it - Nope, haven't even tried fishing.
made porn - NO.
caught a butterfly - No, I'm scared of them.
laughed so hard you cried - Yes!!! The feeling is great! Happy and nice abs.
cried so hard you laughed - I usually cry when I'm sad.
mooned/flashed someone - No.
had someone moon/flash you - No.
cheated on a test - Do leakages count?
have a Britney Spears CD - Yeah, I think the oldest one! Hit me baby one more time!
Thanks Layds! :)
smoked a cigar(ette) - NOPE
madeout with a member of the same sex - Eww. Of Course Not.
crashed a friend's car - Thanks God, No!
stolen a car - I'm a good girl.
been in love - Sadly, yes.
shoplifted - I pay!
been fired - Haven't really started working.
been in a fist fight - When I was young, yes.
snuck out of my parent's house - Nope!
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - Nope if crushes don't count!
been arrested - Nope.
made out with a stranger - Yikes. No.
gone on a blind date - No.
lied to a friend - Guess everyone has done this.
had a crush on a teacher - Hmm...no.
been to Europe - Yeah! It's a great place!
skipped school - What if I was "sick"? Like really.
slept with a co-worker - I don't work!
seen someone die - Nope. I can't even bear the thought.
had a crush on one of your LJ friends - No. This is so high school-ish!
been to Canada - Yep! And I love it there!
been to Mexico - Nope!
been on a plane - Yep...more than my toes can count. That's the price for being a foreign student.
thrown up in a bar - Nope! I don't like bars.
purposely set a part of myself on fire - Haha I'm not crazy!
eaten Sushi - One of my favorite foods.
been snowboarding - Nope! Skiing? Yep.
met someone in person from LJ - Nope. Haha I've gone past that EB trend.
been moshing at a concert - No way! I don't like the thought of exchanging sweat droplets. Yuck!
been in an abusive relationship - No!
taken painkillers - Yes, especially now that my head hurts all the time.
love someone or miss someone right now - Of course...I'm far away from a lot of people...sad.
laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by - Yes...
made a snow angel - Nope!
had a tea party - Yes, with my Barbie dolls when I was 7.
flown a kite - Yeah but I think it landed on a puddle so no more kite flying.
built a sand castle - No...I don't like the sun that the sand comes with.
gone puddle jumping - Nope!
played dress up - Yes! As early as 3 years old...I was such a vain kid.
jumped into a pile of leaves - Not a pile...I like the sound of crunchy leaves when you step on them.
gone sledding - Nope!
cheated while playing a game - Yes! Haha...you've gotta play dirty when you're playing with my brothers!
been lonely - Who hasn't?
fallen asleep at work/school - Oh man...I'm guilty of this.
used a fake id - Nope! I'm old enough. Hah!
watched the sunset - Not really...But I'd love to...one day.
felt an earthquake - Yes! And I thought it was my brother making fun of me...
touched a snake - Yup...I even had a picture with it!
slept beneath the stars - Not exactly...
been tickled - A million times.
been robbed - Nope!
been misunderstood - Yeah...
petted a reindeer/goat - Nope, not yet. And I don't intend to.
won a contest - Yes.
run a red light - Nope.
been suspended from school - No.
been in a car accident - Yes.
had braces - Oh yes. Back in the days when metalmouths were cool.
felt like an outcast - Hey yaaaa, hey ya. Well, Yah.
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - No, I've never been that depressed.
had deja vu - Yes and it's kinda creepy.
danced in the moonlight - Nooo.
hated the way you look - Yes! A lot of times...
witnessed a crime - Uhh yeah. And it still haunts me...10 years after.
pole danced - No...
questioned your heart - Yup.
been obsessed with post-it notes - No. Haha! What a weird obsession.
squished barefoot through the mud - Nope. Yikes!
been lost - I'd think so. I'm bad with directions!
been to the opposite side of the country - Philippines? Nope. Singapore, well, how far can it be?swam in the ocean - Nope.
felt like dying - Oh yes.
cried yourself to sleep - Hmm...I think the answer's pretty obvious.
played cops and robbers - Yes! Who hasn't?
recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers - No. I've got A-levels!
sung karaoke - Yes...more of forced to.
paid for a meal with only coins - Yeah!
done something you told yourself you wouldn't - Yes...regretted.
made prank phone calls - Oh yes. Heh! I'll never forget them.
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose - Yes, thanks to my brother who made me laugh while I was drinking Coke. Yes, it was painful.
caught a snowflake on your tongue - Nope!
danced in the rain - No.
written a letter to Santa Claus - Yes, not knowing Santa Claus was my sister.
been kissed under a mistletoe - Nope!
watched the sun rise with someone you care about - Hmm...don't think so.
blown bubbles - Yep!
made a bonfire on the beach - No but I'd love to.
crashed a party - Nope.
gone rollerskating - Rollerblading, yes. My mom would freak out cause I'd do it inside the house.
had a wish come true - Yes.
humped a monkey - What?!?
worn pearls - Yep! That's what the name is for.
jumped off a bridge - Are you crazy?
screamed vagina in class - No.
ate dog/cat food - Haha I've never been THAT hungry. No.
told a complete stranger you loved them - No.
kissed a mirror - Hell no.
sang in the shower - All the time.
have a little black dress - Nope!
had a dream that you married someone - Nope!
glued your hand to something - How about glued my finger to my other finger?
got your tongue stuck to a flag pole - I'm still sane.
kissed a fish - I'm not that desperate.
worn the opposite sexes clothes - Yes! Back when I was tomboy-ish. Oh, the awkward stage of one's life.
been a cheerleader - Not exactly...but I've cheerdanced!
sat on a roof top - Yes.
screamed at the top of your lungs - Yup!
done a one-handed cartwheel - No...I can't even do it with both hands!
talked on the phone for more than 6 hours - Yes...
stayed up all night - Yup!
didnt take a shower for a week - Yuck. No way.
pick and ate an apple right off the tree - Nope.
climbed a tree - No.
had a tree house - No, but I wanted one so badly!
are scared to watch scary movies - Uhh yeah. You won't believe how much I scream.
believe in ghosts - Not really...
have more then 30 pairs of shoes - Currently? No.
worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say - Hmm...how ugly can uniforms get?
gone streaking - No!
played ding-dong-ditch - What's that?
played chicken - What's that?
been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on - No.
been told you're hot by a complete stranger - Hmm...
broken a bone - Nope!
been easily amused - Yes..haha!
caught a fish then ate it - Nope, haven't even tried fishing.
made porn - NO.
caught a butterfly - No, I'm scared of them.
laughed so hard you cried - Yes!!! The feeling is great! Happy and nice abs.
cried so hard you laughed - I usually cry when I'm sad.
mooned/flashed someone - No.
had someone moon/flash you - No.
cheated on a test - Do leakages count?
have a Britney Spears CD - Yeah, I think the oldest one! Hit me baby one more time!
Thanks Layds! :)
10.09.2005
My Life So Far...
Just taking a bit of a break from all the studying. Seriously, I feel like a robot. Working day 'til night...not really caring about other things that are happening...being such a nerd. I've dettached my heart from myself and ignored the life I had. Anyway I was supposed to take quizzes about myself to find out which course is better for me to take in university and I stumbled upon this quiz.
Which O.C. teen character stereotype are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
The Princess - Marissa
Which Member of the Alias SpyGang are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Sydney Bristow
Hmmm...Interesting.
Which O.C. teen character stereotype are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
The Princess - Marissa
Which Member of the Alias SpyGang are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Sydney Bristow
Hmmm...Interesting.
At Long Last
FINALLY! A blog that can be viewed by the public. Well, guess just wanna welcome everyone into the drama of my life...my idiosyncrasies...my musings and all else. My brain is really too tired to say anything else right now...all that coding was kinda overwhelming (but satisfying). So anyway, I will try to update as much as I can...but as of now, signing off!
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