Christmas...a season of love, isn't it? But why is it that when I look around, I see images of hatred, deception and sadness. Behind that smile is actually a heart that cries. Yes...the celebration continues. But inside, there's just this nagging feeling of discontentment and melancholy. Guess it is the time of the year where we can actually reflect on what has happened in the year that's just about to end. No work, no school...just time with your friends, family and of course, time with yourself.
People have come to me and shared their recent experiences, those which I am not exactly unfamiliar with. It kind of transported me back to the time when I myself was experiencing it. Surprisingly, the pain is still familiar. It wasn't like before when I used to just forget about the pain to the point that it seemed like I didn't even have to go through it at all. I guess this time around, it scarred me too deeply I can't seem to forget it.
Actually, it's kind of surreal still. Like it happened in a different universe with people who I don't even know anymore. Kind of like I thought I knew who they were but actually, they were just mere ideas of what the person is like. They didn't actually exist and thus, deeming the friendship a lie and the person a figment of my imagination. Funny how we can conjure things up to hurt ourselves in return.
Yes, fooling your own self sounds pathetic. But I guess there is still something sadder than that...fooling yourself and not realizing you're doing it.
12.26.2005
12.25.2005
Indeed
The brooding ghosts of Australian night have gone from the bush and town;
My spirit revives in the morning breeze,
though it died when the sun went down;
The river is high and the stream is strong,
and the grass is green and tall,
And I fain would think that this world of ours is a good world after all.
The light of passion in dreamy eyes, and a page of truth well read,
The glorious thrill in a heart grown cold of the spirit I thought was dead,
A song that goes to a comrade's heart, and a tear of pride let fall --
And my soul is strong! and the world to me is a grand world after all!
Let our enemies go by their old dull tracks,
and theirs be the fault or shame
(The man is bitter against the world who has only himself to blame);
Let the darkest side of the past be dark, and only the good recall;
For I must believe that the world, my dear, is a kind world after all.
It well may be that I saw too plain, and it may be I was blind;
But I'll keep my face to the dawning light,
though the devil may stand behind!
Though the devil may stand behind my back, I'll not see his shadow fall,
But read the signs in the morning stars of a good world after all.
Rest, for your eyes are weary, girl -- you have driven the worst away --
The ghost of the man that I might have been is gone from my heart to-day;
We'll live for life and the best it brings till our twilight shadows fall;
My heart grows brave, and the world, my girl, is a good world after all.
My spirit revives in the morning breeze,
though it died when the sun went down;
The river is high and the stream is strong,
and the grass is green and tall,
And I fain would think that this world of ours is a good world after all.
The light of passion in dreamy eyes, and a page of truth well read,
The glorious thrill in a heart grown cold of the spirit I thought was dead,
A song that goes to a comrade's heart, and a tear of pride let fall --
And my soul is strong! and the world to me is a grand world after all!
Let our enemies go by their old dull tracks,
and theirs be the fault or shame
(The man is bitter against the world who has only himself to blame);
Let the darkest side of the past be dark, and only the good recall;
For I must believe that the world, my dear, is a kind world after all.
It well may be that I saw too plain, and it may be I was blind;
But I'll keep my face to the dawning light,
though the devil may stand behind!
Though the devil may stand behind my back, I'll not see his shadow fall,
But read the signs in the morning stars of a good world after all.
Rest, for your eyes are weary, girl -- you have driven the worst away --
The ghost of the man that I might have been is gone from my heart to-day;
We'll live for life and the best it brings till our twilight shadows fall;
My heart grows brave, and the world, my girl, is a good world after all.
12.24.2005
Christmas...So Far
So far, I've attended 6 parties in 8 days. Talk about the calories, man. One thing all parties have: lechon (roasted pig). It's really good but on the 3rd party, I stopped eating it. Each day, there's a different dessert that I'd want to try. I just can't resist sweets! Oh well, what to do. Still more parties to come. I guess what I like about these parties is actually the road trip home. There's this strip of road in Greenhills called Gilmore. When you pass by, all you will see is this:
As in both sides of the street. Just lights. It's just wonderful. :) (Yes, my photo is not very clear but you get the idea right? Sorry I was just taking it from inside the car)
Anyway, every night is a night with my relatives...which equates to a bunch of hustlers. One room, parents playing mahjong. Another room, their kids playing cards. Ok, don't get scared...we're just doing it for fun...no big money involved. Just loads of fun. Wish I could invite more people to come and see what Christmas here is like... :) Hopefully, next time.
TO MY BESTFRIEND: Know that I love you so much.. :) I promise you that there is still a reason to rejoice this season... :) hug!
12.20.2005
What a Day!
I'm about to collapse soon but I really gotta blog today cause I thought that today was quite fun. :)
To start off, I went to this mall in the morning. You see, if I'm sleepy, I become an impulse buyer. So I walked into Adidas and saw this nice white jacket with red stripes. Haha I tried it on and quickly bought it. I mean, it's not that I need a jacket...it's not that I don't have a jacket...but I just had to buy it. I'm starting to think that maybe I am a shoppaholic and I need some rehabilitation. Well come to think of it, I didn't regret getting it so I guess it's not such a bad case of impulse buying.
After that, I went for my second driving lessons. I was taught how to drive in uphills and downhills. I was also taught how to do a U-turn, 2-point turn, 3-point turn, park (the normal way), get out of the parking space, and of course parallel park. I passed everything according to his evaluation...but he had one comment...I had to learn how to drive more safely...I think he meant I was too aggressive. What?! Ok fine...I admit I was a bit impatient. But hey, I'm still alive and the car didn't have a single mark on it.
Anyway, after that, I went for our annual office party. It was hilarious! It was the usual party- games, food, performances, speeches, lucky draw...but the games were hilarious. The first one was...I dunno what it was called...but basically, a couple from each division of the office would come up on stage. Each couple will be given a set of stickers and they are supposed to stick it on the part of the body that starts with P or T (guy sticks on girl and girl sticks on guy). At the end of 15 seconds, the pair with the most stickers stuck on the various body parts will win. So the usual...people stuck it on the palm, thighs, puwit (which is butt in Tagalog), toes, etc. What amazed me was this pair who was really creative! One part they mentioned was the private part. Whoa.
So we had dinner and all...dinner wasn't fantastic but it was followed by another silly game. The game was evolved from musical chairs. But this one doesnt involve chairs. Basically, the men will form a circle facing outwards. They all have plastic bottles in between their thighs. The ladies will have to dance around the guys in a circle and when the music stops, they've got to grab the bottle. The person who doesn't have a bottle to grab will be thrown out of the game. So the number of people reduces until there is only one guy left with two girls going for the bottle. Haha...it was just hilarious! You should've seen the last guy's face. He was so scared I think he broke into cold sweat!
And yes, I mentioned that dinner wasn't fantastic. We didn't even have dessert. So I had to run to the neighboring restaurant to buy dessert. While waiting for my dessert to come, I had to go to the toilet (they only had one cubicle by the way, so both guys and girls use the same one). It was locked. Suddenly, this hot Filipino superstar came out topless. I'm not kidding! I said he was hot cause everyone thinks he's hot but I don't really think so. Anyway, he is Piolo Pascual... this commercial model/TV host/actor who's supposed to really rock your socks off but err..nah. Apparently he's got some event at the same area that night and he's using my dessert restaurant as his changing room. I gotta admit he's quite nice though. Not at all the I'm-so-hot-so-get-out-of-my-way. He was very apologetic when we saw me. Oh and did I mention he was quite...dense? He locked the toilet door on his way out. Bah.
This was followed by the part where each division of the office will come up with a certain presentation to entertain us. My parents were supposed to be judges but they passed the authority to me. Hihihi. It was a good show though. Since the theme of the party was 70's, a lot of them brought back the "in" thing during that time...We had people imitating Michael Jackson's big hair and also John Travolta's dance moves. We had a good laugh! But I would say, my favorite performance was my brother's. For the first time, he sang! I thought he was really cute. Oh, I forgot to mention, he played the guitar too.
I guess what really made my day was my SAT score! I mean...it's not all that fantastic but it's higher than I expected. :) Guess now, I have no excuse not to apply to the States...
Ok, gotta crash now...more driving tomorrow!
To start off, I went to this mall in the morning. You see, if I'm sleepy, I become an impulse buyer. So I walked into Adidas and saw this nice white jacket with red stripes. Haha I tried it on and quickly bought it. I mean, it's not that I need a jacket...it's not that I don't have a jacket...but I just had to buy it. I'm starting to think that maybe I am a shoppaholic and I need some rehabilitation. Well come to think of it, I didn't regret getting it so I guess it's not such a bad case of impulse buying.
After that, I went for my second driving lessons. I was taught how to drive in uphills and downhills. I was also taught how to do a U-turn, 2-point turn, 3-point turn, park (the normal way), get out of the parking space, and of course parallel park. I passed everything according to his evaluation...but he had one comment...I had to learn how to drive more safely...I think he meant I was too aggressive. What?! Ok fine...I admit I was a bit impatient. But hey, I'm still alive and the car didn't have a single mark on it.
Anyway, after that, I went for our annual office party. It was hilarious! It was the usual party- games, food, performances, speeches, lucky draw...but the games were hilarious. The first one was...I dunno what it was called...but basically, a couple from each division of the office would come up on stage. Each couple will be given a set of stickers and they are supposed to stick it on the part of the body that starts with P or T (guy sticks on girl and girl sticks on guy). At the end of 15 seconds, the pair with the most stickers stuck on the various body parts will win. So the usual...people stuck it on the palm, thighs, puwit (which is butt in Tagalog), toes, etc. What amazed me was this pair who was really creative! One part they mentioned was the private part. Whoa.
So we had dinner and all...dinner wasn't fantastic but it was followed by another silly game. The game was evolved from musical chairs. But this one doesnt involve chairs. Basically, the men will form a circle facing outwards. They all have plastic bottles in between their thighs. The ladies will have to dance around the guys in a circle and when the music stops, they've got to grab the bottle. The person who doesn't have a bottle to grab will be thrown out of the game. So the number of people reduces until there is only one guy left with two girls going for the bottle. Haha...it was just hilarious! You should've seen the last guy's face. He was so scared I think he broke into cold sweat!
And yes, I mentioned that dinner wasn't fantastic. We didn't even have dessert. So I had to run to the neighboring restaurant to buy dessert. While waiting for my dessert to come, I had to go to the toilet (they only had one cubicle by the way, so both guys and girls use the same one). It was locked. Suddenly, this hot Filipino superstar came out topless. I'm not kidding! I said he was hot cause everyone thinks he's hot but I don't really think so. Anyway, he is Piolo Pascual... this commercial model/TV host/actor who's supposed to really rock your socks off but err..nah. Apparently he's got some event at the same area that night and he's using my dessert restaurant as his changing room. I gotta admit he's quite nice though. Not at all the I'm-so-hot-so-get-out-of-my-way. He was very apologetic when we saw me. Oh and did I mention he was quite...dense? He locked the toilet door on his way out. Bah.
This was followed by the part where each division of the office will come up with a certain presentation to entertain us. My parents were supposed to be judges but they passed the authority to me. Hihihi. It was a good show though. Since the theme of the party was 70's, a lot of them brought back the "in" thing during that time...We had people imitating Michael Jackson's big hair and also John Travolta's dance moves. We had a good laugh! But I would say, my favorite performance was my brother's. For the first time, he sang! I thought he was really cute. Oh, I forgot to mention, he played the guitar too.
I guess what really made my day was my SAT score! I mean...it's not all that fantastic but it's higher than I expected. :) Guess now, I have no excuse not to apply to the States...
Ok, gotta crash now...more driving tomorrow!
12.17.2005
My First Day on the Road
I'm home alone with my nephew Nico- teaching him how to sharpen a pencil and write his name. He's really sweet! After I sharpened his pencils, he said: "Thanks A-Ee!" and then he kept on kissing me. I felt so happy to have him (and to think he's not even my real son)! Anyway, I'm supposed to be taking care of him but while he's busy sticking sponge bob stickers everywhere, I shall just blog.
Today was my first time to drive out in the streets. I guess it's just now that I fully understand what they meant by: If you know how to drive in Manila, you can drive anywhere! Let me just describe to you how it is to drive in Manila streets. My instructor asked me to drive in the middle lane after I turn left and so I went to the position that seemed like the middle lane to me. When I looked down on the road, I realized that there was a white painted line (which meant that I was actually travelling in between lanes) so I was like: "Am I in the wrong lane???" And my instructor goes: "Don't worry, those lines are fake!" Ok...nevermind. After that, my instructor brought me to a place without traffic lights- this means that I had to be super alert. Suddenly, a tricycle counterflows! My initial reaction was to move away from the tricycle but of course I can't cause there's a car parked on the road side and if I move away from the tricycle, I'll bump into the parked car. So my instructor told me: "There are two things you have to be aware of- moving and non-moving objects. If it's not moving, you've got to move away from it. If it's moving, don't bother to look after it because it will look after itself." Well, so much for defensive driving! I think it's a bit impossible to do that here. So we approached an intersection. The trick is to move inch by inch until the other cars can't move anymore and you leave them no choice but to let you pass. It's really scary cause out of nowhere, you'll just see a jeepney or a bus drive towards you. After that I had to turn right (yup, still no traffic light), suddenly there are kids playing basketball on the road! After honking on them like 10 times, they still didn't move! My instructor told me to just go and they'll move away. I've got the car, they definitely have to move away! I was scared at first but yeah I just went ahead and yeah, they moved. Silly boys. At the end of the day, I learned that you just gotta whack! More lessons to come next week!
Ok, Nico is fighting for the computer now. I gotta go before he clicks this whole entry away!
P.S. Wanna join me for a ride? :p
Today was my first time to drive out in the streets. I guess it's just now that I fully understand what they meant by: If you know how to drive in Manila, you can drive anywhere! Let me just describe to you how it is to drive in Manila streets. My instructor asked me to drive in the middle lane after I turn left and so I went to the position that seemed like the middle lane to me. When I looked down on the road, I realized that there was a white painted line (which meant that I was actually travelling in between lanes) so I was like: "Am I in the wrong lane???" And my instructor goes: "Don't worry, those lines are fake!" Ok...nevermind. After that, my instructor brought me to a place without traffic lights- this means that I had to be super alert. Suddenly, a tricycle counterflows! My initial reaction was to move away from the tricycle but of course I can't cause there's a car parked on the road side and if I move away from the tricycle, I'll bump into the parked car. So my instructor told me: "There are two things you have to be aware of- moving and non-moving objects. If it's not moving, you've got to move away from it. If it's moving, don't bother to look after it because it will look after itself." Well, so much for defensive driving! I think it's a bit impossible to do that here. So we approached an intersection. The trick is to move inch by inch until the other cars can't move anymore and you leave them no choice but to let you pass. It's really scary cause out of nowhere, you'll just see a jeepney or a bus drive towards you. After that I had to turn right (yup, still no traffic light), suddenly there are kids playing basketball on the road! After honking on them like 10 times, they still didn't move! My instructor told me to just go and they'll move away. I've got the car, they definitely have to move away! I was scared at first but yeah I just went ahead and yeah, they moved. Silly boys. At the end of the day, I learned that you just gotta whack! More lessons to come next week!
Ok, Nico is fighting for the computer now. I gotta go before he clicks this whole entry away!
P.S. Wanna join me for a ride? :p
12.16.2005
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives." -Lawana Blackwell-
It doesn't matter how difficult it may seem...it doesn't matter how long it takes. All we've got to do is to choose to forgive no matter how painful it is. After all, we're not doing it for anybody else except ourselves.
I was discussing this topic with a friend and it was a huge realization for me. I don't know about you but I've always thought that forgiveness is something that other people would have to earn. I thought that if I forgave someone because of something he did, he should be really happy that I actually forgave him. But actually, that's not the way it works. Forgiveness is not for the other person...it's actually for myself.
Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If we wait for the urge to forgive, it will never come. We have to choose to forgive and the feelings will follow later on. Why do we have to choose to forgive? Cause if we don't, we will be taken over by bitterness...and this will hinder us from seeing the bigger picture.It doesn't matter how difficult it may seem...it doesn't matter how long it takes. All we've got to do is to choose to forgive no matter how painful it is. After all, we're not doing it for anybody else except ourselves.
Where Is My Room?
Just got home...I'm really exhausted. Well just a bit of update: my hair is now shorter, a lot shorter and I've got red highlights...which aren't really very visible unless I'm under the sun. I decided against the curls cause my hairdresser (Victor) says that I'll look like a Japanese. Fine. Drop the idea then. Next update: My internet is SO screwed up. Since this house is made of cement, the signal just can't go through. Guess wireless technology isn't such a great idea. I've got to wait for the guy to come and poke a hole through my ceiling so that I can get a wired internet connection. More update: I am starting my first driving lesson tomorrow! It's gonna last two hours long. Wow. Hope the instructor has a lot of patience!
I realized that I kind of feel lost in this house. I sleep in my room but I don't get the privacy that I used to have. My sister (Karen), her new baby and the baby's nanny sleeps there with me. Basically, I am only in my room when I need to sleep. Since Nyles has a lot of stuff: bottle warmer, tub, bottles, thermos, etc...I can't use my bathroom. So, I have to travel to the next room (Karen's real room) to use her toilet. Her room has been converted into a store room ever since she moved to Canada and so it's not really "livable". Anyway, my desk is also filled with baby stuff so I can't even use my computer in my own room. So, my computer is also in Karen's room. I thought I'd get some privacy there...but no. My yaya sleeps there (Yaya is my nanny who's been with us for 35 years...). So, for my quiet time, I have to march down to our living room for it. Anyway, that's the way it'll be for now. I miss my own room!
I realized that I kind of feel lost in this house. I sleep in my room but I don't get the privacy that I used to have. My sister (Karen), her new baby and the baby's nanny sleeps there with me. Basically, I am only in my room when I need to sleep. Since Nyles has a lot of stuff: bottle warmer, tub, bottles, thermos, etc...I can't use my bathroom. So, I have to travel to the next room (Karen's real room) to use her toilet. Her room has been converted into a store room ever since she moved to Canada and so it's not really "livable". Anyway, my desk is also filled with baby stuff so I can't even use my computer in my own room. So, my computer is also in Karen's room. I thought I'd get some privacy there...but no. My yaya sleeps there (Yaya is my nanny who's been with us for 35 years...). So, for my quiet time, I have to march down to our living room for it. Anyway, that's the way it'll be for now. I miss my own room!
12.12.2005
Home
Woah. It's been a while since I last updated...been really busy back home- well, more of busy catching up with friends and family. Let's see...what have I been up to? Mostly helping my mom...shop. That's why this is my most favourite time of the year...I can really be helpful by shopping for my mom! You see, she's got tons and tons of godchildren and friends and stuff...so I'm her personal shopper. The best job ever.
Apart from that...I've done a couple of chores too. I've gotten our 12 year old piano tuned, applied for student driver's license (hey, it's quite tough...gotta apply for some TIN thingy) and taken care of my nephews! I've also managed to get myself piano lessons...since I haven't touched a piano for more than four years now...and I really wanna learn again. I might get guitar lessons too. I'm trying to drag myself to the gym but I'm just being really lazy... though I know I need it. This year, we're having loads of Christmas parties...18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 24th and 31st. Whoa. Talk about getting fat! (Christmas is coming....the girls are getting fat.)
But despite the bright Christmas lights everywhere, the busy schedule I have to follow...I still miss Singapore. I really do think about it a lot...my friends...and a lot of other more serious stuff which I'll probably blog about soon. I'm really in no mood to feel sentimental.
Anyway, I'm going to the parlor tomorrow...thinking of either cutting my hair or getting curls...hmmm...suggestions anyone?
Apart from that...I've done a couple of chores too. I've gotten our 12 year old piano tuned, applied for student driver's license (hey, it's quite tough...gotta apply for some TIN thingy) and taken care of my nephews! I've also managed to get myself piano lessons...since I haven't touched a piano for more than four years now...and I really wanna learn again. I might get guitar lessons too. I'm trying to drag myself to the gym but I'm just being really lazy... though I know I need it. This year, we're having loads of Christmas parties...18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 24th and 31st. Whoa. Talk about getting fat! (Christmas is coming....the girls are getting fat.)
But despite the bright Christmas lights everywhere, the busy schedule I have to follow...I still miss Singapore. I really do think about it a lot...my friends...and a lot of other more serious stuff which I'll probably blog about soon. I'm really in no mood to feel sentimental.
Anyway, I'm going to the parlor tomorrow...thinking of either cutting my hair or getting curls...hmmm...suggestions anyone?
12.05.2005
Nostalgia
Whew! I never really thought that post-exam period would be as stressful as exam period...except this one is a different kind of stress. Kind of like fun stress- you know, shopping every single day trying to look for prom dress and the perfect Christmas present for everyone...making sure it's not too expensive and yet useful and meaningful...
I guess in a way, keeping myself busy is good (apart from me getting sick cause I've been going out too much and not really getting much sleep)- then I don't really have to think about the fact that I'm going back home for almost 5 months and that things will just be so different when I come back here. Jo will be in Melbourne...Albert may or may not be here anymore...Lianglin and Ernest will be in the army... It's really ironic... I never thought I'd ever say this, but here it goes: I will miss Singapore very very much.
But even though I may have been really busy...thoughts about leaving this place can't completely escape my thoughts. Somehow, it just manages to creep into my mind. As much as I want to avoid thinking about it, I just can't. I guess the idea of not knowing what's up next for me scares me quite a bit. It's not so much about not knowing which university I'll be going to...but more of leaving the people I really care for and not knowing when I'll see them again...I will definitely see them individually...but it won't really be the same anymore. Like just now, a few of us were preparing for a BBQ we're having tomorrow...and I just found myself looking at them from one corner and wondering when we all can spend time together again...as a group of people who became close because of a common passion. Just thinking about all the great times we've spent together...Wow. I can't even find the right words to express how much they mean to me.
I guess I'm just really tired of change. I'm not really a person who trusts and it just sucks when you find a group of people whom you can trust but then suddenly, things just have to change. Same thing happened when I left for Singapore...and now, it's happening all over again. Although I am looking forward to spending good time with my family and friends back home, I'm having mixed feelings about it cause I'll be leaving my family here. Oh well, guess life is just like that- nothing is constant.
I guess in a way, keeping myself busy is good (apart from me getting sick cause I've been going out too much and not really getting much sleep)- then I don't really have to think about the fact that I'm going back home for almost 5 months and that things will just be so different when I come back here. Jo will be in Melbourne...Albert may or may not be here anymore...Lianglin and Ernest will be in the army... It's really ironic... I never thought I'd ever say this, but here it goes: I will miss Singapore very very much.
But even though I may have been really busy...thoughts about leaving this place can't completely escape my thoughts. Somehow, it just manages to creep into my mind. As much as I want to avoid thinking about it, I just can't. I guess the idea of not knowing what's up next for me scares me quite a bit. It's not so much about not knowing which university I'll be going to...but more of leaving the people I really care for and not knowing when I'll see them again...I will definitely see them individually...but it won't really be the same anymore. Like just now, a few of us were preparing for a BBQ we're having tomorrow...and I just found myself looking at them from one corner and wondering when we all can spend time together again...as a group of people who became close because of a common passion. Just thinking about all the great times we've spent together...Wow. I can't even find the right words to express how much they mean to me.
I guess I'm just really tired of change. I'm not really a person who trusts and it just sucks when you find a group of people whom you can trust but then suddenly, things just have to change. Same thing happened when I left for Singapore...and now, it's happening all over again. Although I am looking forward to spending good time with my family and friends back home, I'm having mixed feelings about it cause I'll be leaving my family here. Oh well, guess life is just like that- nothing is constant.
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